This summer, I got hired for my first real job since my divorce. Not to brag or anything, but I get to work as a Teacher's Assistant in a Preschool. Pretty prestigious, I know. :o)
So, starting in a few weeks, I'll be full time in school, part time in work, and full time in single parenting.
I know it sounds crazy, but I'm really excited to start this job! Something I've noticed about parenting is that it brings the most long lasting, deeply felt rewards that outweigh any kind of paycheck. BUT, it's hard to really notice those rewards or remember how, or even if we're doing well in the job of parenting without the very tangible and concrete reminder that an actual paycheck brings. *sigh* I want a pay check again!
It's sad, but true, that I still consider my personality to be somewhat of a "puppy". I look up at the people around me to see if I did good and I LOVE getting the rewards of positive response to my work. School has done wonders in boosting my self-esteem in this aspect. And, I can only expect work to do the same. I'm sure it will be a horrendous jump in the amount of work I'm used to doing during the semester, but I know I'll adjust. I know I'll rise to the challenge. I know I'll find a way to get those "puppy treats" for my work. And, I'm excited for that!
Parenting, on the other hand, is something that I have to remember I really love. I don't think about it every day, or get excited about it the same way I do about a job, or school. I think it's because I consider my parenting to be like socks.
This analogy works perfectly for me because I'm originally a Beach Girl. I grew up on the California Coast, just 5 min inland from La Jolla. And, I moved to Utah just after having my first son, in February, during a Winter with particularly heavy snow fall. So, I had to adjust to wearing socks at the same time I was adjusting to being a mom.
At first, I really struggled with it. I wasn't comfortable, I felt cramped, I didn't think I looked like myself anymore, and I felt like I couldn't breathe with socks on. But, eventually, I started to get used to the idea of wearing socks. I adjusted my wardrobe, I found practical applications, and I started noticing all the other sock wearing people around me with whom I now fit in.
Now, I'm completely comfortable in socks. I don't even notice them on my feet. I can't imagine my dresser without them, but I don't have to. I open the top drawer, and there they are. And, even though I don't wear them all the time, I know where they are. I don't think about it at all. I'm just content with having socks in my life, now.
And, so it is with parenting for me. I am so comfortable, and adjusted in my role as a mom. I feel like I'm totally in this group now, with so many other amazing parents. And, I can't imagine life without my kids. But, I don't have to, either. Even if my boys aren't with me all the time now that I'm divorced, I know where they are. And, surprisingly, I've grown extremely content with my post-divorce parenting self. Even if I'm not a wife anymore, I am still first and foremost, a Mom. I have grown so comfortable with my role as a mom, that I don't even notice the difference anymore.
I guess that's good. It means, I'm adjusted and happy and all that other good stuff. But, it makes me wonder sometimes why even every now and then, I can't get as excited about parenting like I get about a job or about school.
Why can't I? Oh, that's right, it's because my Treat Seeking Puppy Mentality only works when I have someone else around to give me the rewards I'm after.
And, while I think most parents would willingly offer each other a good pat on the back from time to time, it isn't really healthy for me to start Trick or Treating door to door for personalized parenting compliments on a bi-monthly basis, in place of a pay check. For one thing, I'm too busy to do that! for another, I'd probably wear out my friends.
I won't even think about asking my kids for feedback on my parenting skills. I know what they'd say already . . . And, if it were my goal to constantly get their good approval ratings, I'd have some of the fattest kids in town from all the chocolate bribes I'd be handing out for a good review in return!
No, the answer, I'm concluding, is that I have to just remind myself from time to time that I love my comfortable sock parenting self. And, no matter how exciting other jobs can be with their concrete rewards and feedback that parenting doesn't constantly dazzle me with, I still love it.
And, even if I don't always think about it, remember, or get excited over it, I know I'm doing a good job because
I'm good enough,
I'm smart enough,
And, gosh darn it, my kids like me.
(I think) ;o)
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