Here’s a quick parenting tip that might help you out on those trips away from home with the kids. If you are like me, it seems most of the week days are spent driving here and there and taking care of things during every last minute of open business time. Of course, this is exceptionally fun to do with little kids in tow. Oh, wait . . . no, it’s not. Our kids get tired of our “pointless” errands (like grocery shopping) that get in the way of their much needed play time so when we are stuck in a situation where they aren’t getting that time to unwind, we get stuck with a lose-lose situation trying to balance kids and errands without somebody losing an eye-ball (or going mentally batty) in the process. So, what are we to do?
Well, today I heard an idea that I just might try in the near future! I was in a parenting class and the teacher said that one of the moms in a previous class had come up with a system for rewarding her children’s good behaviors (you know, the theory that noticing all the positive attention will decrease some or most of the negative behaviors). Kids between the age of 6 and 10 will respond particularly well to a points system where desired behaviors are rewarded. This mom has a series of good behavior points that her kids can earn throughout the day that translate into various rewards at the end of the day when cashed in. They earn things like an extra 15 min of television, or playing outside, or playing video games. I’m not exactly sure how she rewards, but I think she gives points according to good behaviors such as doing chores, doing homework, and behaving respectfully. **Side note, if you’re like me, you notice that systems like this rarely work for very long because we get lazy, or the kids get wise to our game and start finding ways out of it. I find a helpful way to keep success going is to change the rules often. Still reward for good behaviors, but maybe focus on different goals every few weeks or don’t reward EVERY time, keeping things difficult for the children to know exactly what behavior will get them a reward. At the same time, reward often. Positive reinforcement really does work better than any negative discipline- I promise!
Ok, so this mom was a busy mom, with four kids, who spent a lot of her time with her kids outside of the home. It became impossible for her to keep up her home reward system without coming up with a way to track positive behaviors in public, too. I don’t know if you are like me, but I will forget almost every and anything I say to my kids when I’m in the middle of a grocery shopping trip. I can barely think straight about what we need to buy, let alone discipline and enforce what I said later on. It’s an exhausting job, this whole parenting thing. So, the solution this mom came up with is to carry in her purse a variety of permanent markers (yes, make sure your children are old/mature enough to handle this one before trying it). Every time she caught them doing something well, she would put a little mark on their arm as a reminder to be tallied up with the rest of their points at home later. I don’t know what colors meant what, but she had different colors for different things. I do know that a black mark meant that they had to lose a point. Don’t know if I would do that one, but sometimes, we need a way to provide a consequence, so if it worked, why not, right?
Anyway, I just thought this was really cool. Kids respond so well to tangible and immediate consequences. A visual reminder that you appreciate good behavior from them in public, as well as a trust building reminder that they really did earn those points later on at home is bound to be a great discipline tool as well as a relationship builder. Let me know how it goes if you try this one- I want to know how it works! :o)
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Summer Fun – And, some are not so fun.
In the long days of summer that are now upon us all, we’ve all probably already experienced some of the most FUN days with our kids, as well as some extra LONG/miserable days. Most parents (and maybe even kids) have secretly already counted the number of days left until school gets back in session. Not me, though. As much of a challenge it can be, I LOVE summer! Call me a Yellow or a White personality on the color code spectrum (something I’m told by virtually every therapist, isn’t a real way to determine someone’s personality), but I just don’t like being told what to do. And, while I love school and learning and I am working on a degree for myself right now, having the summer off from school scheduling and the related overbooking of our precious little family time together, feels like one of the biggest relief to me by the time summer finally rolls around each year. I like to be the master of my own destiny- and schedule book. I wake up most every morning thinking “What could we do to make today really fun?” I am such a fun-seeker, in fact, that it genuinely surprises me every time my kids do things to get themselves grounded (and, not just because they don’t like being grounded) because of how much fun we all know we could be having if they were not grounded. I mean, why should we have to stay inside all day when there are so many adventures we could be on?
That being said, instead of my eyes being too big for my stomach, I would say that my visions of fun have always been a little too big for my body. Kind of like my favorite childhood movie character would say “So much time, so little to do. . . . Strike that; reverse it.” Yes, we are usually a lot more hopeful than actual in our adventures during the week. And, we have our fair share of pouting and grumbling in the evenings over not being able to do something we really wanted to get to do that day (ok, so I’m usually the one pouting and grumbling, but the kids started it, I swear!) Still, I’ve learned something about parenting that can make the days a lot more adventure-some, and therefore fun for us all. And, with summer time providing longer days to fill, figuring out what to do together, it’s even that much more pertinent. Do you want to know what it is? :o) Ready? Ready? Ready? :D
It’s a mixture between Submission, Attitude, and Imagination. I call it “Attimagimission”. No, just kidding. I totally just made that up. I don’t have a word for it! (Haha) BUT, it is a real thing, even if it doesn’t have its own word.
I think it might be easier to explain what it is, if I first explain what it is not. It is not a “bigger or better” concept. I know that most single dad’s get labeled “Disney Land Dad’s” because they tend to spend the (typically) shorter amount of time that they have with their kids cramming as many bigger and better fun activities in as possible, in order to build fond memories. I think we’ve established that I’m the atypical “Disney Land Mom” in my divorce, because it really doesn’t matter how much time I have with my kids, I’m constantly on the search for fun things to do with them (which is admittedly challenging, with how motivated I can be in wanting to spend as little money as possible, too). But, I think that is why I love this concept so much! Even though it can happen in the middle of the most expensively laid out plans, it can also happen in the middle of a dirt road on a rainy day, with no umbrellas in sight. Money and thrill are not the determining factors in this concept.
It doesn’t always happen easily for me, but when I realize that I am in the place where it is happening, I just go with it, like a good thought or action just flowing down the river. I know from past experience that I’m going to enjoy that ride, so I just let it carry me along. I can’t describe exactly what it feels like when you are “there” either, other than, you’ll know when you are. And, I know it happens all on its own because I’ve tried to re-create it later, exactly how I remembered it; and it still wasn’t ever the same. I’m not sure, but I think this might be the same explanation for why “mom’s recipes” never taste exactly the way they did when she used to make them, or why every Christmas or birthday can hold completely different memories for us, even if our rituals in the way we are experiencing them never change. To me, this describes the submission part. You’ll know you have submitted, when you have decided to engage in an activity that, while you’re expecting to find joy in for one reason or another, you don’t know exactly the way it will turn out.
Also, and this is a great one for me to remember, although this concept I’m talking about can’t exist while in the middle of a bad-attitude-storm, it can and almost always does exist directly after the bad-attitude-storms are over. And, while I haven’t yet figured out how to force my kids to stop being upset over not having an expectation for themselves met, I can help them snap out of those times more quickly by leading the way and, fixing my own attitude. I know this because I have this bad habit of sometimes looking back at my bad attitude after I’ve let it go, as if to welcome it to follow close by in case I need it again, and if I let it catch back up to me, then nobody is having any fun anymore. So, I’ve had to learn to kick it once it’s down . . . stomp on it a few times and then let it lie, because I’m going to have some fun now! The correct attitude is always, always, always, always necessary- no exceptions. Without it, you will never get to experience what I am talking about.
Lastly and possibly most importantly, is the use of an imagination. This is important to remember for adults, because unless we are actively exercising our imagination muscles, we lose the ability to go there on our own when we want to. For kids, it’s almost first, rather than second-nature to them. They are already willing to be there, so if you’ve forgotten how to imagine, watch them . . . and re-learn. Our imaginations are important because that is what use to transform us from being in a typical, miserable, mundane, annoying day, into being in a vibrant, exciting, new, and humorous day (in the same exact place, at the same exact moment in time). It’s the same concept of always being able to find what you are looking for, only it takes things a step or two farther than a good-attitude would take us. It creates a surrounding that literally exists in order to amuse and enlighten us and we aren’t just choosing our reactions to the things that are acting upon us, we start choosing everything. We start thinking one step ahead of ourselves, and we anticipate what we want to happen next as much as we would anticipate seeing a best friend after a long time apart. Because of this active interaction, we become very aware of our surroundings within the moment we are experiencing them, which is a great thing! So often we live life just swerving around all the pot-holes and road bumps that get in our way. When, if we opened our minds a little wider than we could open our eyes, we’d be amazed at how many interesting, windy roads are laid before us that we can choose from.
So, go ahead and be present with your kids this weekend. Make a plan if you need or want to, but don’t schedule a “fun-time”- BE a “fun-time”. Let it happen whenever, wherever, why-ever it wants to exist. Take your little ones by the hand and show them that you aren’t too old to enjoy the moments in life that other people don’t even know how to appreciate the way you do. I know you’re up for the challenge. And, you’ll be glad you were.
That being said, instead of my eyes being too big for my stomach, I would say that my visions of fun have always been a little too big for my body. Kind of like my favorite childhood movie character would say “So much time, so little to do. . . . Strike that; reverse it.” Yes, we are usually a lot more hopeful than actual in our adventures during the week. And, we have our fair share of pouting and grumbling in the evenings over not being able to do something we really wanted to get to do that day (ok, so I’m usually the one pouting and grumbling, but the kids started it, I swear!) Still, I’ve learned something about parenting that can make the days a lot more adventure-some, and therefore fun for us all. And, with summer time providing longer days to fill, figuring out what to do together, it’s even that much more pertinent. Do you want to know what it is? :o) Ready? Ready? Ready? :D
It’s a mixture between Submission, Attitude, and Imagination. I call it “Attimagimission”. No, just kidding. I totally just made that up. I don’t have a word for it! (Haha) BUT, it is a real thing, even if it doesn’t have its own word.
I think it might be easier to explain what it is, if I first explain what it is not. It is not a “bigger or better” concept. I know that most single dad’s get labeled “Disney Land Dad’s” because they tend to spend the (typically) shorter amount of time that they have with their kids cramming as many bigger and better fun activities in as possible, in order to build fond memories. I think we’ve established that I’m the atypical “Disney Land Mom” in my divorce, because it really doesn’t matter how much time I have with my kids, I’m constantly on the search for fun things to do with them (which is admittedly challenging, with how motivated I can be in wanting to spend as little money as possible, too). But, I think that is why I love this concept so much! Even though it can happen in the middle of the most expensively laid out plans, it can also happen in the middle of a dirt road on a rainy day, with no umbrellas in sight. Money and thrill are not the determining factors in this concept.
It doesn’t always happen easily for me, but when I realize that I am in the place where it is happening, I just go with it, like a good thought or action just flowing down the river. I know from past experience that I’m going to enjoy that ride, so I just let it carry me along. I can’t describe exactly what it feels like when you are “there” either, other than, you’ll know when you are. And, I know it happens all on its own because I’ve tried to re-create it later, exactly how I remembered it; and it still wasn’t ever the same. I’m not sure, but I think this might be the same explanation for why “mom’s recipes” never taste exactly the way they did when she used to make them, or why every Christmas or birthday can hold completely different memories for us, even if our rituals in the way we are experiencing them never change. To me, this describes the submission part. You’ll know you have submitted, when you have decided to engage in an activity that, while you’re expecting to find joy in for one reason or another, you don’t know exactly the way it will turn out.
Also, and this is a great one for me to remember, although this concept I’m talking about can’t exist while in the middle of a bad-attitude-storm, it can and almost always does exist directly after the bad-attitude-storms are over. And, while I haven’t yet figured out how to force my kids to stop being upset over not having an expectation for themselves met, I can help them snap out of those times more quickly by leading the way and, fixing my own attitude. I know this because I have this bad habit of sometimes looking back at my bad attitude after I’ve let it go, as if to welcome it to follow close by in case I need it again, and if I let it catch back up to me, then nobody is having any fun anymore. So, I’ve had to learn to kick it once it’s down . . . stomp on it a few times and then let it lie, because I’m going to have some fun now! The correct attitude is always, always, always, always necessary- no exceptions. Without it, you will never get to experience what I am talking about.
Lastly and possibly most importantly, is the use of an imagination. This is important to remember for adults, because unless we are actively exercising our imagination muscles, we lose the ability to go there on our own when we want to. For kids, it’s almost first, rather than second-nature to them. They are already willing to be there, so if you’ve forgotten how to imagine, watch them . . . and re-learn. Our imaginations are important because that is what use to transform us from being in a typical, miserable, mundane, annoying day, into being in a vibrant, exciting, new, and humorous day (in the same exact place, at the same exact moment in time). It’s the same concept of always being able to find what you are looking for, only it takes things a step or two farther than a good-attitude would take us. It creates a surrounding that literally exists in order to amuse and enlighten us and we aren’t just choosing our reactions to the things that are acting upon us, we start choosing everything. We start thinking one step ahead of ourselves, and we anticipate what we want to happen next as much as we would anticipate seeing a best friend after a long time apart. Because of this active interaction, we become very aware of our surroundings within the moment we are experiencing them, which is a great thing! So often we live life just swerving around all the pot-holes and road bumps that get in our way. When, if we opened our minds a little wider than we could open our eyes, we’d be amazed at how many interesting, windy roads are laid before us that we can choose from.
So, go ahead and be present with your kids this weekend. Make a plan if you need or want to, but don’t schedule a “fun-time”- BE a “fun-time”. Let it happen whenever, wherever, why-ever it wants to exist. Take your little ones by the hand and show them that you aren’t too old to enjoy the moments in life that other people don’t even know how to appreciate the way you do. I know you’re up for the challenge. And, you’ll be glad you were.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I Love You Forever
One of my all time favorite children’s books is titled “Love You Forever”, written by Robert Munsch. It is such a sweet story about the trials of raising a child and how in spite of all the heart ache and chaos that becomes your life in the process of being a parent, the love that you feel for your child is forever present and eternally constant. At the end of the book, it shows how this lesson in expressing unconditional love is passed down to the next generation. I am not a very big crier, but I admit, I cry when reading this simple children’s book.
To me, right now though, I’m not at the end of my story. I’m still in the middle of raising my kids and I’m not exactly sure how everything is going to play out, or if my kids will ever truly understand the love that I have for them. But, I know this. Every morning, I feel like I’m waking up in a zoo, complete with wild animal noises and dreaded new messes for me to face. I try my best to express my love after, or better yet, BEFORE I’ve lost my temper like the wild Ape mother who’s in charge of all these little monkeys, and I try to spend at least a few minutes really talking to my kids about anything that’s on their minds, during the day. But, I’m not ever sure if there is enough time in a single day to overcome all the chaos that we face as a family. “Have I done enough?” is a question I find myself asking when I’m looking into the fridge trying to decide what kind of meal I can get to fit my dueling desires to provide something healthy as well as something quick.
Then the fighting and the screaming and the whining and the tattling suddenly kick up to a level 10 on the emotional-overload-scale and I swear I could go cross-eyed just counting down the last few hours until bed time so that I can send the children to their rooms (for their own well-being), so that they can stop making noise, and finally fall asleep already, and so I can finally RELAX! *Metaphorically pulling my hair out* (sigh)
And, even though the very act of hearing my children wind down and FINALLY entering that deep breathing stage of sleep makes my daily burdens of anxiety and stress that I place on myself during the day dissipate instantaneously, not to be re-awakened again until morning, my first thought really isn’t a pressing urge to crawl into their bedroom, pick them up and start singing lullabies in their honor. No. Unfortunately, my first thought is usually “Now, where did I hide that treat I wanted all to myself?” *hangs head* Yes, I know, shameful.
On the other hand, maybe I’m doing pretty well after all. If I think back just one year, I realize that the progress we’ve made as a family is outstanding! One year ago, I was moving out of a shelter and into the home of some friends of mine who would be gone for a year and decided to bless our lives with renting to me at an incredible rate. One year ago, my kids wanted nothing more than to run away at every chance they got because they instinctively couldn’t feel safe or secure after the maddening marriage, separation, and final divorce we’d all just barely survived. I wasn’t spending any real time with them during the day; I was looking straight through them as I tried everything I could to just keep my head above water, let alone plan for our future together. One year ago, we couldn’t say “I love you” as often, or as sincerely as we say it now. We didn’t cry, either. Which, might seem like a good thing, but it isn’t when compared to the previously constant battle of extreme emotions (anger and elation) that fought within each of us individually and as a whole family on constant replay throughout every day. One year ago, most days were absolute hell. I honestly don’t know how we survived it at all.
With a son who also within the past year and a half was finally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, the feeling of barely surviving last year gives me the tinniest perspective on how difficult his life has been for him, and it certainly provides me all the motivation needed to make sure he is taken care of emotionally (with therapy) and mentally (with good medications). Unfortunately, we often still face moments of hell together as a family because of the chaos that, if it had its way, would relentlessly attack his seemingly over-developed logical and reasoning brain and remain unsuppressed by medications in its desire to reign with horrific terror. It is actually a miracle in and of itself that at the age of 8, my oldest son was finally able to tell me over and over “Mommy, I feel happy. Not, like I want to jump around kind of happy, just good, calm, happy”, as if he was discovering this sincere emotion for the first time in his life. I want to cry just remembering that moment in time. I am so glad that he has been able to discover this kind of calm happy feeling and I want that feeling to stay for him for as long as possible.
I want that for our whole family, too. My other boys have been through their own versions of hell and they have survived with such power and grace. I am not exaggerating when I say that my kids could put most adults to shame in the way that they have been able to forgive and grow and change in the midst of the hell that we called our every-day life for so long. I am certain that most adults would undoubtedly crumble, have a mental break down and end up hospitalized if they had to go through what my kids have been through. They are the reason why I keep trying to do better. It might be difficult for me to remember this inner motivation on most days, especially when I’m in the middle of an “I want to shoot myself in the foot” moment of grocery shopping at 4 pm with all of them in tow, but they really are my reason to keep pushing to be better. They deserve all that a loving mother could give them.
And, while I can’t yet muster the courage to give them personalized lullabies in their beds every night, I’m giving them the gift right now, of a persistent mother. I will keep trying to do better. I will keep going to school and attempting to get a degree. I will keep pushing them to be as wonderful as I know they are. I will keep making them do their chores and read books and brush their teeth. I will make myself sit down to a meal with them and ask “What was your favorite thing about today?”, even if what I really want to be doing is turning on the t.v. and letting my mind take a break for a minute from the maddening noise level that is any house with three small boys living in it. I will keep forgiving myself when I totally mess everything up. I will keep forgiving them. This is how I will show my boys . . .
I Love You Forever.
To me, right now though, I’m not at the end of my story. I’m still in the middle of raising my kids and I’m not exactly sure how everything is going to play out, or if my kids will ever truly understand the love that I have for them. But, I know this. Every morning, I feel like I’m waking up in a zoo, complete with wild animal noises and dreaded new messes for me to face. I try my best to express my love after, or better yet, BEFORE I’ve lost my temper like the wild Ape mother who’s in charge of all these little monkeys, and I try to spend at least a few minutes really talking to my kids about anything that’s on their minds, during the day. But, I’m not ever sure if there is enough time in a single day to overcome all the chaos that we face as a family. “Have I done enough?” is a question I find myself asking when I’m looking into the fridge trying to decide what kind of meal I can get to fit my dueling desires to provide something healthy as well as something quick.
Then the fighting and the screaming and the whining and the tattling suddenly kick up to a level 10 on the emotional-overload-scale and I swear I could go cross-eyed just counting down the last few hours until bed time so that I can send the children to their rooms (for their own well-being), so that they can stop making noise, and finally fall asleep already, and so I can finally RELAX! *Metaphorically pulling my hair out* (sigh)
And, even though the very act of hearing my children wind down and FINALLY entering that deep breathing stage of sleep makes my daily burdens of anxiety and stress that I place on myself during the day dissipate instantaneously, not to be re-awakened again until morning, my first thought really isn’t a pressing urge to crawl into their bedroom, pick them up and start singing lullabies in their honor. No. Unfortunately, my first thought is usually “Now, where did I hide that treat I wanted all to myself?” *hangs head* Yes, I know, shameful.
On the other hand, maybe I’m doing pretty well after all. If I think back just one year, I realize that the progress we’ve made as a family is outstanding! One year ago, I was moving out of a shelter and into the home of some friends of mine who would be gone for a year and decided to bless our lives with renting to me at an incredible rate. One year ago, my kids wanted nothing more than to run away at every chance they got because they instinctively couldn’t feel safe or secure after the maddening marriage, separation, and final divorce we’d all just barely survived. I wasn’t spending any real time with them during the day; I was looking straight through them as I tried everything I could to just keep my head above water, let alone plan for our future together. One year ago, we couldn’t say “I love you” as often, or as sincerely as we say it now. We didn’t cry, either. Which, might seem like a good thing, but it isn’t when compared to the previously constant battle of extreme emotions (anger and elation) that fought within each of us individually and as a whole family on constant replay throughout every day. One year ago, most days were absolute hell. I honestly don’t know how we survived it at all.
With a son who also within the past year and a half was finally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, the feeling of barely surviving last year gives me the tinniest perspective on how difficult his life has been for him, and it certainly provides me all the motivation needed to make sure he is taken care of emotionally (with therapy) and mentally (with good medications). Unfortunately, we often still face moments of hell together as a family because of the chaos that, if it had its way, would relentlessly attack his seemingly over-developed logical and reasoning brain and remain unsuppressed by medications in its desire to reign with horrific terror. It is actually a miracle in and of itself that at the age of 8, my oldest son was finally able to tell me over and over “Mommy, I feel happy. Not, like I want to jump around kind of happy, just good, calm, happy”, as if he was discovering this sincere emotion for the first time in his life. I want to cry just remembering that moment in time. I am so glad that he has been able to discover this kind of calm happy feeling and I want that feeling to stay for him for as long as possible.
I want that for our whole family, too. My other boys have been through their own versions of hell and they have survived with such power and grace. I am not exaggerating when I say that my kids could put most adults to shame in the way that they have been able to forgive and grow and change in the midst of the hell that we called our every-day life for so long. I am certain that most adults would undoubtedly crumble, have a mental break down and end up hospitalized if they had to go through what my kids have been through. They are the reason why I keep trying to do better. It might be difficult for me to remember this inner motivation on most days, especially when I’m in the middle of an “I want to shoot myself in the foot” moment of grocery shopping at 4 pm with all of them in tow, but they really are my reason to keep pushing to be better. They deserve all that a loving mother could give them.
And, while I can’t yet muster the courage to give them personalized lullabies in their beds every night, I’m giving them the gift right now, of a persistent mother. I will keep trying to do better. I will keep going to school and attempting to get a degree. I will keep pushing them to be as wonderful as I know they are. I will keep making them do their chores and read books and brush their teeth. I will make myself sit down to a meal with them and ask “What was your favorite thing about today?”, even if what I really want to be doing is turning on the t.v. and letting my mind take a break for a minute from the maddening noise level that is any house with three small boys living in it. I will keep forgiving myself when I totally mess everything up. I will keep forgiving them. This is how I will show my boys . . .
I Love You Forever.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Down and Dirty
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always been the kind of person that needs to have a clean and organized house (that’s MY standard of clean and organized, not yours) in order to function at my best mentally. When I’m stressed, I clean. When I feel like life is out of control, I clean. When I know someone is coming over, I clean. When I worry about someone showing up unexpectedly, I clean. I can’t be sure, but I think I’ve always been like this. But, there is another reason I clean, now that I have children. <-- I think that sentence just answered itself. Yep, it is now a necessity.
And, although it is increasingly a great necessity to pay active attention to the cleanliness of my house before it grows like a bad science project gone . . . worse, and eats us all alive, I’ve also learned to ease up on my standards of clean over the years (to everyone’s great relief). I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for days, no problem (as long as nobody comes over). I can leave piles of bills and school notes from my kids on the counter until I either take care of them, or realize they are past their due date and throw them away to replace them with new ones. I can leave at least one room in my house looking like a bomb went off at the laundry mat, almost indefinitely. And because nobody is allowed in my bedroom, my room usually gets dibbed as the “bomb shelter” for all the clothes and “to-do-later” projects that pile up.
Usually, it’s at some point though, every few days or weeks (depending on how busy we’ve been lately), that I start looking around at my recently neglected surroundings, twitching at the eyeballs, and mumbling witchty curses under my breath, at any stain that gets in my broom’s path. And, you know what that means-
Oh yes, its’ house cleaning time! My kids know when it’s house cleaning time, because they have been born with a great instinct to want to eat whenever they are hungry, sleep whenever they are tired (which isn’t often enough), and avoid cleaning whenever possible. If I open a door to the room where they are, in order to start cleaning it, suddenly the urge to go to the bathroom is too great for them to suppress, or the need to take care of something in another room is at a life-altering importance level. And, until I realize what they are doing and make them stop, the “Escape and Hide” tactic is what they do, while I am the only one cleaning.
Sound familiar? Well, I just thought I’d offer a few hints that have helped our house-cleaning become a family effort, while at the same time NOT ending in somebody wanting to strangle somebody else. Ready? Here they are:
1. OCD, CDO (that’s OCD in Alphabetical order . . . like it should be) OCD, CDO
-We know exactly how we like things to be, and even though we’ve done it that way a billion times our whole lives, we are probably the only one who even notices or cares, which is particularly devastating, considering the amount of time that was spent figuring out the exactly perfect way to do it.. So, when everything gets cleaned or put away ALL WRONG, just breathe and remember . . . you’ll fix it later. ;o)
2. FiX IT LATER!!!
-This is one I have to add after the OCD, CDO one, because I am Soooooo this way! But, what am I teaching my kids if I ask them to put away their shoes, and then I follow them and (grumbling) re-do it the way I wanted it done in the first place? Besides the fact that I’m oh so loving and approachable at the moment *insert sarcasm*, it’s that they don’t really have to try to help out anyway. Remember, we WANT our kids to learn these things, so no matter how WRONG it is, let it be until later when you can either “fix it” to your liking, or teach them in a gentle voice what you really wanted.
3. One at a time
-Really, it’s ok. I give you permission to accept it. If the only cleaning you got done today was one load of laundry, pat yourself on the back! That’s one less thing you’ll have to do tomorrow. Keeping a clean house is a lot different when you have kids around, than when you don’t. It might look cluttered with toys and fruit snacks, but if the most important jobs get done at least at some point during the week, then you are still on top of it. Good work! :o)
4. Consistency
-Nothing you try ever works for very long, that’s just the nature of the beast, right? BUT, then again, this might work! We never can tell in advanced how long a good idea will last until we try it. The most important thing is to remain consistent, drawing that good idea out as long as it will let us. That means that no matter what light bulb flashes above your head giving you the solution to your cleaning woes, go ahead, make some easy to follow guidelines for yourself and your kids (write them down, if you have to) and REMEMBER them! It just might catch on this time. At our house, we say that having 2 hands means we can each do 2 helpful chores a day before we play outside or watch television. My kids used to actually call out the chores they wanted to do as soon as we got home, so that nobody else would take theirs (they all thought taking out the trash was the easiest, so they always wanted to do that one).
5. Cleaning Games
-These are fun for me. I like them a lot. But, my kids KNOW all my games, so sometimes we don’t play them for a while, because they have learned how to wiggle out of their responsibilities when I’m in game-mode. STILL, sometimes, when I just want one or two things done, a game is a great way to keep the mood (and the cleaning) light. You can set a timer and see if you can finish a job before it goes off. You can race to see who makes their bed the fastest (boys love competition, so we race a lot). You can try a relay race with sorting laundry, or practice math by counting by 2’s, or 5’s when picking up Lego’s. My friend does something called “Boss of the Room”, where everyone takes turns being in charge of a room, telling all the other people what to do to clean it all up until it’s done. And then they go on to the next room, where someone else takes a turn being in charge. You can bribe, if you want to . . . I don’t very often, but if it works for you, awesome! The thing to remember with cleaning games is – it’s supposed to be fun! So, if you aren’t having fun, you aren’t playing a game, you’re playing “Do-this-or-else-I’m-going-to-go-crazy” And, really, who wants to play that? :P
**Side Note: I’m sorry; I don’t have any good tips for getting spouses to follow a cleaning routine. Remember, I am divorced . . . but, I wouldn’t recommend that to everyone as a cleaning tip. ;o)
And, although it is increasingly a great necessity to pay active attention to the cleanliness of my house before it grows like a bad science project gone . . . worse, and eats us all alive, I’ve also learned to ease up on my standards of clean over the years (to everyone’s great relief). I can leave dirty dishes in the sink for days, no problem (as long as nobody comes over). I can leave piles of bills and school notes from my kids on the counter until I either take care of them, or realize they are past their due date and throw them away to replace them with new ones. I can leave at least one room in my house looking like a bomb went off at the laundry mat, almost indefinitely. And because nobody is allowed in my bedroom, my room usually gets dibbed as the “bomb shelter” for all the clothes and “to-do-later” projects that pile up.
Usually, it’s at some point though, every few days or weeks (depending on how busy we’ve been lately), that I start looking around at my recently neglected surroundings, twitching at the eyeballs, and mumbling witchty curses under my breath, at any stain that gets in my broom’s path. And, you know what that means-
Oh yes, its’ house cleaning time! My kids know when it’s house cleaning time, because they have been born with a great instinct to want to eat whenever they are hungry, sleep whenever they are tired (which isn’t often enough), and avoid cleaning whenever possible. If I open a door to the room where they are, in order to start cleaning it, suddenly the urge to go to the bathroom is too great for them to suppress, or the need to take care of something in another room is at a life-altering importance level. And, until I realize what they are doing and make them stop, the “Escape and Hide” tactic is what they do, while I am the only one cleaning.
Sound familiar? Well, I just thought I’d offer a few hints that have helped our house-cleaning become a family effort, while at the same time NOT ending in somebody wanting to strangle somebody else. Ready? Here they are:
1. OCD, CDO (that’s OCD in Alphabetical order . . . like it should be) OCD, CDO
-We know exactly how we like things to be, and even though we’ve done it that way a billion times our whole lives, we are probably the only one who even notices or cares, which is particularly devastating, considering the amount of time that was spent figuring out the exactly perfect way to do it.. So, when everything gets cleaned or put away ALL WRONG, just breathe and remember . . . you’ll fix it later. ;o)
2. FiX IT LATER!!!
-This is one I have to add after the OCD, CDO one, because I am Soooooo this way! But, what am I teaching my kids if I ask them to put away their shoes, and then I follow them and (grumbling) re-do it the way I wanted it done in the first place? Besides the fact that I’m oh so loving and approachable at the moment *insert sarcasm*, it’s that they don’t really have to try to help out anyway. Remember, we WANT our kids to learn these things, so no matter how WRONG it is, let it be until later when you can either “fix it” to your liking, or teach them in a gentle voice what you really wanted.
3. One at a time
-Really, it’s ok. I give you permission to accept it. If the only cleaning you got done today was one load of laundry, pat yourself on the back! That’s one less thing you’ll have to do tomorrow. Keeping a clean house is a lot different when you have kids around, than when you don’t. It might look cluttered with toys and fruit snacks, but if the most important jobs get done at least at some point during the week, then you are still on top of it. Good work! :o)
4. Consistency
-Nothing you try ever works for very long, that’s just the nature of the beast, right? BUT, then again, this might work! We never can tell in advanced how long a good idea will last until we try it. The most important thing is to remain consistent, drawing that good idea out as long as it will let us. That means that no matter what light bulb flashes above your head giving you the solution to your cleaning woes, go ahead, make some easy to follow guidelines for yourself and your kids (write them down, if you have to) and REMEMBER them! It just might catch on this time. At our house, we say that having 2 hands means we can each do 2 helpful chores a day before we play outside or watch television. My kids used to actually call out the chores they wanted to do as soon as we got home, so that nobody else would take theirs (they all thought taking out the trash was the easiest, so they always wanted to do that one).
5. Cleaning Games
-These are fun for me. I like them a lot. But, my kids KNOW all my games, so sometimes we don’t play them for a while, because they have learned how to wiggle out of their responsibilities when I’m in game-mode. STILL, sometimes, when I just want one or two things done, a game is a great way to keep the mood (and the cleaning) light. You can set a timer and see if you can finish a job before it goes off. You can race to see who makes their bed the fastest (boys love competition, so we race a lot). You can try a relay race with sorting laundry, or practice math by counting by 2’s, or 5’s when picking up Lego’s. My friend does something called “Boss of the Room”, where everyone takes turns being in charge of a room, telling all the other people what to do to clean it all up until it’s done. And then they go on to the next room, where someone else takes a turn being in charge. You can bribe, if you want to . . . I don’t very often, but if it works for you, awesome! The thing to remember with cleaning games is – it’s supposed to be fun! So, if you aren’t having fun, you aren’t playing a game, you’re playing “Do-this-or-else-I’m-going-to-go-crazy” And, really, who wants to play that? :P
**Side Note: I’m sorry; I don’t have any good tips for getting spouses to follow a cleaning routine. Remember, I am divorced . . . but, I wouldn’t recommend that to everyone as a cleaning tip. ;o)
Monday, June 13, 2011
Honestly?
If there’s one thing I love about young children, it’s that they all seem to be born inherently honest. Of course, they learn within the first few years of life that honesty is not a widely accepted quality in our society and they start to adapt.
And, thankfully, in some cases! I remember my mom saying that shortly after moving from a small town to a large city with my brother and me, she was in the grocery store and my brother (who I believe was 3 at the time) got his first memorable look at a person with dark skin. My mom said that he was so shocked at this new experience that he very loudly demanded of her “Mom! Why is that man black?!” The man, of course, was very close by and my mother was so embarrassed that she wanted to crawl away. I’ve had my fair share of similar experiences while raising my own kids. They’ve said things when we are out together like:
“That lady can’t walk!” (Talking about a woman in a wheelchair)
“That kid is so fat!” (Talking about a boy with a large belly compared to the rest of his body)
“Why is that person’s face weird?” (Talking about an obvious burn victim)
“That man is really short!” (Talking about a little person)
(Sigh)
I laugh now because these things are always embarrassing at the time, not because it’s nice to point someone out that way. It isn’t. And, I’m not saying that I’ve always handled these experiences the right way. Once, when my youngest was 4, he exclaimed very loudly that a lady near us was F-A-T ! I pointed my finger right back at him and said “WOAH! That kid is short! He has freckles on his face! He has a booger in his nose!” He was so shocked that I would be doing such a thing, and easily got my point when I asked him if he thought she liked hearing him talk about her like that. Yeah, it worked, but I think it’s just because out of my three kids, he naturally is the most sensitive to other people’s feelings. And, the thing is, he wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings at all. He wasn’t thinking it would be a mean thing to say. He was just being honest and noticing something out of ‘his ordinary’.
And, the reason I got embarrassed, is because the loud judgments of others makes worry that I haven’t taught my boys well enough to be compassionate and understanding. I want my kids to grow up with a love for mankind. I want them to have an open mind and make judgments about others after getting to know them personally (not based on outward appearances). And, even so, I want them to have and hold onto their personal values or beliefs, but not feel threatened by anyone who might have different values or beliefs. I want my children to act civilized and good in society, really.
But, I don’t want them to lose their natural love for honesty. Sometimes it bothers me how much our society leans towards “niceties” over “honesty” when determining goodness. There is much to be said about learning to be nice, but if I had it my way, we’d all encourage our kid’s natural love of honesty by learning to accept honesty as a higher quality. There are 2 reasons why honesty isn’t valued as much as it could be in our society. First, the person with the opportunity to express honesty chooses not to be totally honest because they don’t want anyone to be upset by their truth. And second, the person with the opportunity to hear the truth doesn’t really want to hear it. We’ve all learned to be afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. But, why is that? If someone comes to you and says that they truly, honestly believe that the sky is purple would that change the fact that you believe it is blue? Of course, that’s an easy analogy to understand, but no matter what another person’s opinion, we still cringe when we hear someone say something we disagree with. While I’m still working on changing this in myself, I know that I’d rather hear what someone close to me really thinks, than have to deal with trying to figure out what they really meant to say later on. If you agree, try saying thank you 3 times this week when someone tells you something that you maybe didn’t want to hear . . . just try it. You don’t have to agree, just thank them for their honesty.
And, think about why listening to and appreciating the truth is a good practice to get into. When you ask your friend if they like your new pants and they say “Yes, I love them!” Do you ever wonder if they are just saying that because they always say they love everything about everyone? It depends on the friend, doesn’t it? It seems that most adults are either full of blanket compliments for everyone everywhere, or rarely express a compliment because they don’t want to be like the former type of person. From whom, then, does a compliment really mean the most? From the type who is less complimentary, that’s who! And, that’s because you know they wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it. This speaking and hearing honesty thing also puts a lot more responsibility on owning your own feelings about things . . . like your pants, rather than depending on someone else to give you an opinion to hold as your truth. That’s a powerfully healthy way to live, isn’t it?
I’m not suggesting that you try to be significantly less affectionate with others, especially with your kids. Kids need and therefore crave a lot of affection. But, I have learned that since our kids are more honest to begin with, they aren’t looking for our constant compliments, either. When they say, “Look at me! Look what I can do!” they are literally asking us to watch them, to notice something that they have already decided to like. When they show us the painting, or story, or mud pie they just made, they aren’t asking for us to say “That’s nice”, or “That’s beautiful” one more time. Sure, we can teach them to get into that pattern by setting up our relationship with them that way, but what they really want is to show us what they have already honestly done for themselves. What they want is for us to ask them about it, so that they can then tell US how wonderful, or beautiful, or weird they think their own creation is. In these moments of personal creativity or expression, they are at their most honest, core self. THIS is the time to encourage their honesty!
Asking our kids questions rather than complimenting them is a lot harder than it sounds. Naturally as a parent, we want to provide some sort of judgment or life-lesson on everything that they do. We want to tell them how to be, rather than letting them be. We worry that without our constant guidance, they won’t learn the correct way. We worry that they won’t know that we love them without the constant reinforcement of our compliments. We forget how easily they learn to tune out most of what we say because our words aren’t always as practical a teaching tool for them as we think they are (especially if we become like the friend who likes our pants because they like everything). We forget how perceptive our children are and how easily they will learn the value of honesty by watching us have genuine interest in their honesty. We probably see very well how incredibly smart or talented they are when they do something amazing, but instead of telling them how great they are, try noticing what they’ve done without placing any judgment on it before they do. It’s harder than it sounds, so here are some suggestions to get you started:
“Tell me about your picture.”
“It looks like you like jumping that high.”
“You must really like running fast.”
“You used the color yellow a lot.”
This is all our kids need to hear before they start telling us more about what they are doing and/or what they like about what they just did. They are already proud of themselves, and so they feel loved when they get to tell us more about it with complete openness. It takes a long time to listen to everything they have to say sometimes and you really have to ask yourself if you are honestly ready to hear a life-story about a blob of paint or a trip across the monkey bars before you start verbally noticing, but try it for just 5 min a day with your kids. The great thing about learning to ask for our kids’ honest feelings about something without placing any judgment is that it actually helps them to listen to us when we have something important to teach them. (This learning to listen to honesty works well with parents, and spouses, and co-workers, and bosses, too.) So, I dare you to try this and see if your relationship with your kids isn’t better within a few weeks . . . I mean, honestly.
And, thankfully, in some cases! I remember my mom saying that shortly after moving from a small town to a large city with my brother and me, she was in the grocery store and my brother (who I believe was 3 at the time) got his first memorable look at a person with dark skin. My mom said that he was so shocked at this new experience that he very loudly demanded of her “Mom! Why is that man black?!” The man, of course, was very close by and my mother was so embarrassed that she wanted to crawl away. I’ve had my fair share of similar experiences while raising my own kids. They’ve said things when we are out together like:
“That lady can’t walk!” (Talking about a woman in a wheelchair)
“That kid is so fat!” (Talking about a boy with a large belly compared to the rest of his body)
“Why is that person’s face weird?” (Talking about an obvious burn victim)
“That man is really short!” (Talking about a little person)
(Sigh)
I laugh now because these things are always embarrassing at the time, not because it’s nice to point someone out that way. It isn’t. And, I’m not saying that I’ve always handled these experiences the right way. Once, when my youngest was 4, he exclaimed very loudly that a lady near us was F-A-T ! I pointed my finger right back at him and said “WOAH! That kid is short! He has freckles on his face! He has a booger in his nose!” He was so shocked that I would be doing such a thing, and easily got my point when I asked him if he thought she liked hearing him talk about her like that. Yeah, it worked, but I think it’s just because out of my three kids, he naturally is the most sensitive to other people’s feelings. And, the thing is, he wasn’t trying to hurt her feelings at all. He wasn’t thinking it would be a mean thing to say. He was just being honest and noticing something out of ‘his ordinary’.
And, the reason I got embarrassed, is because the loud judgments of others makes worry that I haven’t taught my boys well enough to be compassionate and understanding. I want my kids to grow up with a love for mankind. I want them to have an open mind and make judgments about others after getting to know them personally (not based on outward appearances). And, even so, I want them to have and hold onto their personal values or beliefs, but not feel threatened by anyone who might have different values or beliefs. I want my children to act civilized and good in society, really.
But, I don’t want them to lose their natural love for honesty. Sometimes it bothers me how much our society leans towards “niceties” over “honesty” when determining goodness. There is much to be said about learning to be nice, but if I had it my way, we’d all encourage our kid’s natural love of honesty by learning to accept honesty as a higher quality. There are 2 reasons why honesty isn’t valued as much as it could be in our society. First, the person with the opportunity to express honesty chooses not to be totally honest because they don’t want anyone to be upset by their truth. And second, the person with the opportunity to hear the truth doesn’t really want to hear it. We’ve all learned to be afraid of speaking or hearing the truth. But, why is that? If someone comes to you and says that they truly, honestly believe that the sky is purple would that change the fact that you believe it is blue? Of course, that’s an easy analogy to understand, but no matter what another person’s opinion, we still cringe when we hear someone say something we disagree with. While I’m still working on changing this in myself, I know that I’d rather hear what someone close to me really thinks, than have to deal with trying to figure out what they really meant to say later on. If you agree, try saying thank you 3 times this week when someone tells you something that you maybe didn’t want to hear . . . just try it. You don’t have to agree, just thank them for their honesty.
And, think about why listening to and appreciating the truth is a good practice to get into. When you ask your friend if they like your new pants and they say “Yes, I love them!” Do you ever wonder if they are just saying that because they always say they love everything about everyone? It depends on the friend, doesn’t it? It seems that most adults are either full of blanket compliments for everyone everywhere, or rarely express a compliment because they don’t want to be like the former type of person. From whom, then, does a compliment really mean the most? From the type who is less complimentary, that’s who! And, that’s because you know they wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it. This speaking and hearing honesty thing also puts a lot more responsibility on owning your own feelings about things . . . like your pants, rather than depending on someone else to give you an opinion to hold as your truth. That’s a powerfully healthy way to live, isn’t it?
I’m not suggesting that you try to be significantly less affectionate with others, especially with your kids. Kids need and therefore crave a lot of affection. But, I have learned that since our kids are more honest to begin with, they aren’t looking for our constant compliments, either. When they say, “Look at me! Look what I can do!” they are literally asking us to watch them, to notice something that they have already decided to like. When they show us the painting, or story, or mud pie they just made, they aren’t asking for us to say “That’s nice”, or “That’s beautiful” one more time. Sure, we can teach them to get into that pattern by setting up our relationship with them that way, but what they really want is to show us what they have already honestly done for themselves. What they want is for us to ask them about it, so that they can then tell US how wonderful, or beautiful, or weird they think their own creation is. In these moments of personal creativity or expression, they are at their most honest, core self. THIS is the time to encourage their honesty!
Asking our kids questions rather than complimenting them is a lot harder than it sounds. Naturally as a parent, we want to provide some sort of judgment or life-lesson on everything that they do. We want to tell them how to be, rather than letting them be. We worry that without our constant guidance, they won’t learn the correct way. We worry that they won’t know that we love them without the constant reinforcement of our compliments. We forget how easily they learn to tune out most of what we say because our words aren’t always as practical a teaching tool for them as we think they are (especially if we become like the friend who likes our pants because they like everything). We forget how perceptive our children are and how easily they will learn the value of honesty by watching us have genuine interest in their honesty. We probably see very well how incredibly smart or talented they are when they do something amazing, but instead of telling them how great they are, try noticing what they’ve done without placing any judgment on it before they do. It’s harder than it sounds, so here are some suggestions to get you started:
“Tell me about your picture.”
“It looks like you like jumping that high.”
“You must really like running fast.”
“You used the color yellow a lot.”
This is all our kids need to hear before they start telling us more about what they are doing and/or what they like about what they just did. They are already proud of themselves, and so they feel loved when they get to tell us more about it with complete openness. It takes a long time to listen to everything they have to say sometimes and you really have to ask yourself if you are honestly ready to hear a life-story about a blob of paint or a trip across the monkey bars before you start verbally noticing, but try it for just 5 min a day with your kids. The great thing about learning to ask for our kids’ honest feelings about something without placing any judgment is that it actually helps them to listen to us when we have something important to teach them. (This learning to listen to honesty works well with parents, and spouses, and co-workers, and bosses, too.) So, I dare you to try this and see if your relationship with your kids isn’t better within a few weeks . . . I mean, honestly.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Are YOU a Good Parent?
I sincerely believe that most parents do what they know how to, trying hard to do their best within that knowledge. Patterns learned from their family line biased by different experience and circumstances certainly have a great influence, but each of us has a unique personality that shines far brighter than anything else onto our own parental styles. We all want to do well. And, yet, we “fail” in our own ways, over and over again. We fail because we lose our temper, or because we don’t have the connection we want with our kids, or because we can’t provide what we want to for them.
It is one of the biggest heart breaks that parents feel. Sometimes, we truly have to morn the great loss in realizing that our expectations will never be met the way we'd hoped in our relationship with our children, and that is indescribably hard. Our hearts are broken over and over each time we see our children suffer, but even more so when we feel they are suffering because of our own inadequacies or mistakes.
Nobody tells you about this heart break before you have a child. It’s all cute clothing and warm hearted stories about how wonderful being a parent is.
And, it IS wonderful! With how much pain we can so easily feel, it can just as quickly be matched and even forgotten by some of the happiest feelings of pride and joy and connection that come to us as blessings in the process of raising God’s children. I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it feels to hear your child call you “Mama” for the first time, or offer hugs and kisses ‘just because’, or make friends successfully, or discover and develop their talents.
But, it is not my belief that a child’s amount of successes is the defining factor in what makes their parent’s good, or not. No, I cannot believe that. I cannot look at a happy family and think to myself, “Wow, they’re doing so well together, I bet it takes no effort at all.” For me to do that, I would have to be living in a fantasy world. (And, I’ll admit, I sometimes venture to that fantasy world, when I am in the middle of my own moments of WWIII in my home.) But, honestly, let’s just get real for a minute and admit the truth.
Good parents raise some of the most amazing children, who go on to do some truly inspiring and helpful things in our society. And good parents raise really amazing children, who go on to do something miraculous like finding a good partner and raising their own children in honor of their parents. And good parents raise children who struggle and fall down and make mistakes that they know they shouldn’t and sometimes suffer great consequences for those choices. And good parents raise children who might never appreciate any of the good they did for them until it’s too late. Good parents aren’t good because of the rewards or societal status that they are able to achieve in the process. In fact, the irony of it all is, that good parents probably don’t even recognize themselves as being very good at all.
I say it's time to stand up and recognize the good parents around us, flaws and all! And, why not start at home? If you are a parent, recognize the real effort it takes for you to get up and face the challenges in raising your family every day. Are you perfect? NO! Are you still trying anyway? If the answer is yes, then I say you are a good parent. Stop looking at your neighbors expecting them to be perfect, too. I'm going to give you a clue- they're not. BUT, they just might be good parents, even if they do things differently. How can you tell?
A good parent loves their children no matter how many mistakes they make. A good parent keeps trying after each time they feel “failure” in their own expectations as a parent. A good parent pushes themselves to do the impossible each day (make it through in one piece), and never knows at the end of it if they have done anything really extraordinary, but they keep thinking, and worrying and trying to do better the next day, anyway. A good parent makes mistakes that are almost always visible to others, especially their children . . . and, yet, they keep trying . . . even if it seems sometimes that they spend most of their time looking up at Heaven asking “Why ME?!, Why THIS?!” A good parent eventually learns to not care what everyone else thinks about what they are doing. If they are helping their children succeed in their own unique way, that is all they need to feel satisfied.
In the end,it’s not about what everyone else can see, or if we are meeting our own expectations and standards for ourself as a parent. And, it's also not about the “someday” when all the children are grown and finally understand what we tried to do for them. No, it’s about the here and now, today. What we do after we totally lose our temper, or get shut down when we try to unsuccessfully to connect once again, or realize we can’t do what we expect of ourselves as a parent.
What do good parents do? That’s right; try again. That is what our kids see, whether they acknowledge it or not. They learn to forgive their own mistakes by watching us move on from our own. They see us keep trying to love them, in spite of our differences or our flaws and our mistakes, because we choose to. And, that’s a hard thing to do sometimes. But we do it anyway because we want to be happy and we want to feel closer, and not just “someday”, but right NOW!
So, today, I am thankful for all GOOD PARENTS. For trying over and over again, for showing me that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about never giving up. And, for actively trying (and succeeding) at making this world a better place. We know how we still need to do better, but even if today isn’t the best of best days . . . it’s still a day, and we have the blessing to be able to do what we want with it.
(And, I secretly hope your day is one filled with 'good parenting')
It is one of the biggest heart breaks that parents feel. Sometimes, we truly have to morn the great loss in realizing that our expectations will never be met the way we'd hoped in our relationship with our children, and that is indescribably hard. Our hearts are broken over and over each time we see our children suffer, but even more so when we feel they are suffering because of our own inadequacies or mistakes.
Nobody tells you about this heart break before you have a child. It’s all cute clothing and warm hearted stories about how wonderful being a parent is.
And, it IS wonderful! With how much pain we can so easily feel, it can just as quickly be matched and even forgotten by some of the happiest feelings of pride and joy and connection that come to us as blessings in the process of raising God’s children. I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it feels to hear your child call you “Mama” for the first time, or offer hugs and kisses ‘just because’, or make friends successfully, or discover and develop their talents.
But, it is not my belief that a child’s amount of successes is the defining factor in what makes their parent’s good, or not. No, I cannot believe that. I cannot look at a happy family and think to myself, “Wow, they’re doing so well together, I bet it takes no effort at all.” For me to do that, I would have to be living in a fantasy world. (And, I’ll admit, I sometimes venture to that fantasy world, when I am in the middle of my own moments of WWIII in my home.) But, honestly, let’s just get real for a minute and admit the truth.
Good parents raise some of the most amazing children, who go on to do some truly inspiring and helpful things in our society. And good parents raise really amazing children, who go on to do something miraculous like finding a good partner and raising their own children in honor of their parents. And good parents raise children who struggle and fall down and make mistakes that they know they shouldn’t and sometimes suffer great consequences for those choices. And good parents raise children who might never appreciate any of the good they did for them until it’s too late. Good parents aren’t good because of the rewards or societal status that they are able to achieve in the process. In fact, the irony of it all is, that good parents probably don’t even recognize themselves as being very good at all.
I say it's time to stand up and recognize the good parents around us, flaws and all! And, why not start at home? If you are a parent, recognize the real effort it takes for you to get up and face the challenges in raising your family every day. Are you perfect? NO! Are you still trying anyway? If the answer is yes, then I say you are a good parent. Stop looking at your neighbors expecting them to be perfect, too. I'm going to give you a clue- they're not. BUT, they just might be good parents, even if they do things differently. How can you tell?
A good parent loves their children no matter how many mistakes they make. A good parent keeps trying after each time they feel “failure” in their own expectations as a parent. A good parent pushes themselves to do the impossible each day (make it through in one piece), and never knows at the end of it if they have done anything really extraordinary, but they keep thinking, and worrying and trying to do better the next day, anyway. A good parent makes mistakes that are almost always visible to others, especially their children . . . and, yet, they keep trying . . . even if it seems sometimes that they spend most of their time looking up at Heaven asking “Why ME?!, Why THIS?!” A good parent eventually learns to not care what everyone else thinks about what they are doing. If they are helping their children succeed in their own unique way, that is all they need to feel satisfied.
In the end,it’s not about what everyone else can see, or if we are meeting our own expectations and standards for ourself as a parent. And, it's also not about the “someday” when all the children are grown and finally understand what we tried to do for them. No, it’s about the here and now, today. What we do after we totally lose our temper, or get shut down when we try to unsuccessfully to connect once again, or realize we can’t do what we expect of ourselves as a parent.
What do good parents do? That’s right; try again. That is what our kids see, whether they acknowledge it or not. They learn to forgive their own mistakes by watching us move on from our own. They see us keep trying to love them, in spite of our differences or our flaws and our mistakes, because we choose to. And, that’s a hard thing to do sometimes. But we do it anyway because we want to be happy and we want to feel closer, and not just “someday”, but right NOW!
So, today, I am thankful for all GOOD PARENTS. For trying over and over again, for showing me that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about never giving up. And, for actively trying (and succeeding) at making this world a better place. We know how we still need to do better, but even if today isn’t the best of best days . . . it’s still a day, and we have the blessing to be able to do what we want with it.
(And, I secretly hope your day is one filled with 'good parenting')
Friday, May 13, 2011
Little Shopper Horrers
There are, admittedly, a few advantages to having 3 wild boys in tow everywhere I have to go. Don’t tell anyone else I said this, but I’ve skipped right to the front of lines at the DMV, or other such places when I have my kids with me. And, without anyone else offering any complaint about it, either! Something about most people not wanting to listen to the sound of eternally perpetuating madness that makes everyone MORE than happy to help me get on my way again as soon as humanly possible. Hmmmm . . .
And, while that might sound unfair and you might start thinking I should not be bragging about how I have manipulate crowds of others who are waiting patiently for their turn to be helped, let me even the score for you. In fact, I’ll go ahead and admit the real truth. Usually, it’s not that much fun dragging 3 wild boys around on errands, for me or the other people around.
The most typical errand that I end up doing with my kids is grocery shopping. I try to get it done when they are in school, but I tend to put it off in favor of other errands first, as grocery shopping is the least difficult to do while checked out mentally.
But, even if it does take the least amount of brain power to do, I still must enter, shop, check-out, and leave all on my own. So, I’ve decided to list my top 10 favorite things to do to make the shopping trips with the kids just a LITTLE less insane. Use them, if they work. And, if they don’t, kindly forget that you heard them from me. Most importantly, make them your own. Here they are! I’m counting backwards from 10.
#10: Distraction 101
“What grocery store?” If there’s one thing my middle son hates the most, it’s going grocery shopping! He gets mad at the very sound of the announcement that we need something from the store. (I think it’s because he knows his limits and he knows he will end up getting into trouble for acting out in the store, once again) So, sometimes I skip the warning that we are entering a grocery store and I use his A.D.D. to my advantage. I get him talking about things that happened at school or I ask him to tell me some favorite jokes. More often than not, he’s happy to have a willing ear for his unstoppable tangents and I just walk along listening and smiling as I try to get as far into the shopping trip as possible before he looks up and notices where he is. I used distraction a lot for all my boys when they were little, too. I could say things like “Did you hear that bird?” and then I’d look up and pretend to see a bird inside the store. It would keep them busy for a few minutes as they looked and listened for a make believe animal. Once, we actually DID see a bird, so it was perfect!
#9: Delegating Choices
I use this mostly when I’m in the produce section of the store. I like to try to integrate different fruits and vegetables into our favorite meals throughout the week and I found myself agonizing over what to choose, and what my kids were most likely to eat, while just standing around in the produce section. This led to problems, because the boys got tired of standing around waiting for me to figure out what I was doing and the behaviors to get my attention would start. I have unfortunately, said the words “Get off of the lettuce!” so many times, I’ve lost count. Then, one day, it just hit me. I started asking each of my kids to pick a fruit and vegetable for that week. They each had to pick something different. This kept them busy, helped me choose what they would eat, and it got them to try some new things because they actually started looking at the produce and asking me what things like Asparagus and Brussels Sprouts were (two vegetables I had been TOO afraid to even try on them beforehand).
#8: Divide and Conquer
Every parent knows that on some days, no matter what tricks we have up our sleeves, the kids are just trying to kill each other. So, the divide and conquer trick is something I’ve used a lot. It’s just like it sounds. Keep the children physically away from each other. If that means making one walk and putting 2 in separate parts of a grocery cart, then great. If two of them have to hold onto my pockets on opposites sides of my body while we walk, and one is in the cart, then we do that. Many of the grocery stores now have “Car-carts” that have a separate compartment in the front that looks like a little car. I LOVE those, because it separates my kid’s right out. My oldest is too big for the car now, so my younger two get to sit in there (as long as they are getting along) while my oldest helps me do the shopping. In the past, I’ve been seen pushing one cart with a child and groceries in it in front of me, while pulling another cart, with two kids in it behind me. Yes. Anything that keeps feuding children separated during the grocery shopping is worth it to me, on days like that.
#7: Blast the Aliens
I’ve had some scary experiences with guns in the past, so I’ve tried to raise my boys without toy guns. I want them to realize that guns are tools, not toys and they require respect and proper handling. Despite all my efforts, EVERYTHING turns into a gun or a shooting game. So, when we’re shopping, I just go with their instinct to want to shoot everything and I try to alter it in a way that still fits into what I want them to learn. We aren’t allowed to shoot people, but I tell them that there are “Aliens” in the store and they must blast any alien that they see (within reasonable volume of sound, of course). How do we know if it’s an alien? I pick a color and I tell them that the aliens are (let’s say purple, for instance) “purple” and that if they see anything that is purple, it is probably an alien who has changed shape to look like a ball, or eggplant, or hat, etc. They usually go right into game mode looking for anything of that color, calling it out, and blasting aliens for quite some time without needing another distraction for a while.
#6: Driving Lessons
I mentioned the “Car-carts”, right? Well, I just tell my kids where to steer and then I go the opposite way. Or, I swivel the cart back and forth and make it seem like they are about to run into something and tell them to do a better job steering. Of course, they know I’m kidding, but it makes them giggle and they start pretending to actually be driving. Of course, be careful. It’s less forgivable when an adult runs a cart into another person or a cereal stack, than if a kid did it, and for what ever reason, I’ve never been able to successfully blame my kid for the “bad driving” of the cart.
#5: Bubble gum, Bubble gum, in a machine
This one is a bribe. I mean a bribe. I mean a bribe. I mean, well, ok, yes, it’s a bribe. It doesn’t have to be horrible, though! I wouldn’t recommend bribing the kids every time you go to a grocery store, because that turns into a bartering game you are sure to lose very quickly. It’s just that, sometimes, when the kids are having a relatively good day and I’m in a mood to reward, I might “find” a quarter lying on the ground right outside the store. And, then I might say something like, “Wow, I wonder what I could use this quarter for?” Of course, my kids know that the bubble gum dispenser’s right at the entrance/exit of the store only cost a quarter so they pipe right up and start begging for gum! In which case, I have a perfect exit strategy. I tell them that they have behaved well today and as long as there isn’t any trouble in the store, I’d be happy to let them use the quarter for gum on the way back out to the car. ;o)
#4: Jumping Jacks
This one is a bit less nice and less fun than all the other ones (at least for the kids). It’s something we came up with together in a family meeting, and my kids know that I mean business when this comes up. For whatever reason, it hasn’t failed us yet, so I know I can use this if the “fun-and-games” tricks aren’t working, and they need some strict discipline. Simply put, the jumping jacks are used as a physical outlet when the kids can’t control their bodies enough to keep them out of trouble. We have a code word, for a warning and they know when they hear the code word, that’s the last time before the jumping jacks start. If they hear the code word from me a second time, they now need to do 10 jumping jacks within the next 5 minutes and stop what they were doing to get the code word said. Seems pretty simple, right? There’s a catch. If they don’t do their jumping jacks and fix the behavior by the 5 min time, then they get grounded from video games, t.v. and playing outside for a whole week! YIKES, right?! So, they usually just do their 10, laugh about it a little, and then we get on with the shopping. If for some reason, however, they DON’T stop the behavior after doing 10 jumping jacks, then I say the code word a third time, and they now have to do 100 jumping jacks within 5 minutes. It rarely goes beyond this. They are tired after 100, and don’t want to have to do any more. Also, sometimes it’s embarrassing, because people stare at the kid doing jumping jacks (mostly in shock or confusion, which I’m ok with). This little trick has worked so well for me because I don’t have to sit and argue over WHY I want a certain behavior to stop, and I don’t have to negotiate new punishments that I’m thinking of on the fly in the middle of the store. Nope. Everyone already knows the consequences of the choices made. I just have to say a code word a few times, and they have to do all the jumping jacks and control their actions to keep themselves from being grounded. (And, yes, they’ve tested this, and chosen to just be grounded a few times). Once, I was checking out at a store and the clerk asked me “Is your husband a football coach or something?” I had no idea what he was talking about because I forgot all about my son who was 3 feet away from me counting off 100 jumping jacks at the time. Yep, I love this one! ;o)
#3: Trading Places
This one is F-U-N, although can lead to some trouble, so only use it on rare occasions, but my philosophy on life is if you can’t make things fun every now and then, then what’s the point? Sometimes, my oldest son is so serious about everything that I want to teach him it’s ok to lighten up a little and enjoy all the little monotonous things about life, too. What better place than in a grocery store, right? So, when the kids aren’t acting up too badly, but just seem to be in a down and sullen mood, I hop into the grocery cart and tell them that they have to push the cart around the store, stop where I tell them to, and put everything into the cart exactly as I direct. They LOVE this!!! As you can probably guess, it requires children who are old enough to push a cart around the store without banging into other people or things, so keep that in mind. Also, it requires good listening skills from the kids as you tell them where to go, when to stop and what to get for inside the cart. Lastly, people do STARE, so be prepared for that (I just ignore everyone else, because I’m doing this for my kids, not other people). A few times that I’ve done this, I’ve had to jump out of the cart and tell my kids “Ok, I have to be the one to do the shopping now”, because I see a store clerk heading my way with that look on his face. You know the one, that indicates that you are about to have a conversation with a grown person about the inappropriate thing you are doing. And, honestly, nobody wants a lawsuit, so be careful when doing this one!
#2: The Game of “No.”
This game works great on my kids after a certain age. They have to understand that I’m kidding, so that they don’t get seriously mad at me! This is basically your reverse psychology being applied to shopping. What do kids do most when they are shopping with us? Start begging for treats, that’s what. “Can I have this? Can we buy that? Please, oh please, oh pretty, pretty please???” Sometimes, I’m in a good mood, so I say “Sure”, but usually I can’t get all the things that they are asking for, so I have to start saying “No” at some point during the shopping trip. And, what happens after the kids get told NO repeatedly? They start sulking, pouting, stomping feet, mouthing off, or just all out having a tantrum. This is not something I want to listen to, so instead I make a game out of it- one that helps me keep the peace (with a little fun) while still saying no to all the things I can’t/don’t want to buy this time. Here’s how it goes: Child- “Mommy, can I have this treat?” Me- “No.” Child- “Can I have that one?” Me- “No.” Child- “Awww, that’s not fair! You always say no!” Me- “Of course I do! I’m the mommy. Mom’s LOVE to say no to their kids. Now, quick, ask me for something else so I can say no again. . . “ Child (usually thinks for a minute) “NO!” Me- “Awwww, no fair! I wanted to keep saying no. . .” Try it out. It’s funny. Yes, I’ve gotten some crazy looks from people on this one. I love it, though.
#1: Claiming Babysitter
Honestly, truly, no matter how many tricks I keep up my sleeves for our grocery shopping trips, they don’t always work. I think it’s mostly because my kids know all my tricks by now, and sometimes they just aren’t in the mood to play around, because they are tired or grumpy or whatever. And, maybe I’M the tired and grumpy one that day. (Despite what you might think, I don’t walk around singing to birds and humming to myself about the sunshine and the flowers.) Some days just plain suck. And, on those days, I almost always end up having to run to the grocery store for something (go figure). Anyway, if all else fails and you find yourself surrounded by screaming children and everyone starts to give you that “I hate that you had offspring” look, DO THIS TRICK!! -!!*Claim to be the babysitter*!!-. Now, I don’t mean that you start announcing it on the P.A. system. That might give away your desperation for pretending to be uninvolved and make people hate you even more. No, this is what you say. Look right at those screaming children (who are so far into their tantrums, they won’t process what you are saying anyway) and you say “I’m going to tell your mother about this behavior when we get back home!” Yep, this works 10/10 times! You’d be AMAZED at how many looks suddenly turn sympathetic, how many pats on the back, and “You’re doing a great job” comments you start getting. I don’t know what it is about our sad world that makes people suddenly think you deserve a medal for being a temporary babysitter to crazy screaming children, but being a full time parent earns you silent hatred and judgment, but in these moments, you won’t care about any of that. You will just be glad for some sympathy and a chance to get back out of the store without anybody giving you a talk about birth control or something! Ok, so just be forewarned, only use this during extreme tantrums to make sure your kids don’t have the capacity to hear you and turn around and rat you out as their real mother. I got caught once, but it was by another mom, so she just laughed at my sense of humor and went on her way. Phew! ;o)
That’s all for this post. It was long, but I hope you got a few good ideas, or at least a few good laughs. Happy Shopping, everyone! :o)
And, while that might sound unfair and you might start thinking I should not be bragging about how I have manipulate crowds of others who are waiting patiently for their turn to be helped, let me even the score for you. In fact, I’ll go ahead and admit the real truth. Usually, it’s not that much fun dragging 3 wild boys around on errands, for me or the other people around.
The most typical errand that I end up doing with my kids is grocery shopping. I try to get it done when they are in school, but I tend to put it off in favor of other errands first, as grocery shopping is the least difficult to do while checked out mentally.
But, even if it does take the least amount of brain power to do, I still must enter, shop, check-out, and leave all on my own. So, I’ve decided to list my top 10 favorite things to do to make the shopping trips with the kids just a LITTLE less insane. Use them, if they work. And, if they don’t, kindly forget that you heard them from me. Most importantly, make them your own. Here they are! I’m counting backwards from 10.
#10: Distraction 101
“What grocery store?” If there’s one thing my middle son hates the most, it’s going grocery shopping! He gets mad at the very sound of the announcement that we need something from the store. (I think it’s because he knows his limits and he knows he will end up getting into trouble for acting out in the store, once again) So, sometimes I skip the warning that we are entering a grocery store and I use his A.D.D. to my advantage. I get him talking about things that happened at school or I ask him to tell me some favorite jokes. More often than not, he’s happy to have a willing ear for his unstoppable tangents and I just walk along listening and smiling as I try to get as far into the shopping trip as possible before he looks up and notices where he is. I used distraction a lot for all my boys when they were little, too. I could say things like “Did you hear that bird?” and then I’d look up and pretend to see a bird inside the store. It would keep them busy for a few minutes as they looked and listened for a make believe animal. Once, we actually DID see a bird, so it was perfect!
#9: Delegating Choices
I use this mostly when I’m in the produce section of the store. I like to try to integrate different fruits and vegetables into our favorite meals throughout the week and I found myself agonizing over what to choose, and what my kids were most likely to eat, while just standing around in the produce section. This led to problems, because the boys got tired of standing around waiting for me to figure out what I was doing and the behaviors to get my attention would start. I have unfortunately, said the words “Get off of the lettuce!” so many times, I’ve lost count. Then, one day, it just hit me. I started asking each of my kids to pick a fruit and vegetable for that week. They each had to pick something different. This kept them busy, helped me choose what they would eat, and it got them to try some new things because they actually started looking at the produce and asking me what things like Asparagus and Brussels Sprouts were (two vegetables I had been TOO afraid to even try on them beforehand).
#8: Divide and Conquer
Every parent knows that on some days, no matter what tricks we have up our sleeves, the kids are just trying to kill each other. So, the divide and conquer trick is something I’ve used a lot. It’s just like it sounds. Keep the children physically away from each other. If that means making one walk and putting 2 in separate parts of a grocery cart, then great. If two of them have to hold onto my pockets on opposites sides of my body while we walk, and one is in the cart, then we do that. Many of the grocery stores now have “Car-carts” that have a separate compartment in the front that looks like a little car. I LOVE those, because it separates my kid’s right out. My oldest is too big for the car now, so my younger two get to sit in there (as long as they are getting along) while my oldest helps me do the shopping. In the past, I’ve been seen pushing one cart with a child and groceries in it in front of me, while pulling another cart, with two kids in it behind me. Yes. Anything that keeps feuding children separated during the grocery shopping is worth it to me, on days like that.
#7: Blast the Aliens
I’ve had some scary experiences with guns in the past, so I’ve tried to raise my boys without toy guns. I want them to realize that guns are tools, not toys and they require respect and proper handling. Despite all my efforts, EVERYTHING turns into a gun or a shooting game. So, when we’re shopping, I just go with their instinct to want to shoot everything and I try to alter it in a way that still fits into what I want them to learn. We aren’t allowed to shoot people, but I tell them that there are “Aliens” in the store and they must blast any alien that they see (within reasonable volume of sound, of course). How do we know if it’s an alien? I pick a color and I tell them that the aliens are (let’s say purple, for instance) “purple” and that if they see anything that is purple, it is probably an alien who has changed shape to look like a ball, or eggplant, or hat, etc. They usually go right into game mode looking for anything of that color, calling it out, and blasting aliens for quite some time without needing another distraction for a while.
#6: Driving Lessons
I mentioned the “Car-carts”, right? Well, I just tell my kids where to steer and then I go the opposite way. Or, I swivel the cart back and forth and make it seem like they are about to run into something and tell them to do a better job steering. Of course, they know I’m kidding, but it makes them giggle and they start pretending to actually be driving. Of course, be careful. It’s less forgivable when an adult runs a cart into another person or a cereal stack, than if a kid did it, and for what ever reason, I’ve never been able to successfully blame my kid for the “bad driving” of the cart.
#5: Bubble gum, Bubble gum, in a machine
This one is a bribe. I mean a bribe. I mean a bribe. I mean, well, ok, yes, it’s a bribe. It doesn’t have to be horrible, though! I wouldn’t recommend bribing the kids every time you go to a grocery store, because that turns into a bartering game you are sure to lose very quickly. It’s just that, sometimes, when the kids are having a relatively good day and I’m in a mood to reward, I might “find” a quarter lying on the ground right outside the store. And, then I might say something like, “Wow, I wonder what I could use this quarter for?” Of course, my kids know that the bubble gum dispenser’s right at the entrance/exit of the store only cost a quarter so they pipe right up and start begging for gum! In which case, I have a perfect exit strategy. I tell them that they have behaved well today and as long as there isn’t any trouble in the store, I’d be happy to let them use the quarter for gum on the way back out to the car. ;o)
#4: Jumping Jacks
This one is a bit less nice and less fun than all the other ones (at least for the kids). It’s something we came up with together in a family meeting, and my kids know that I mean business when this comes up. For whatever reason, it hasn’t failed us yet, so I know I can use this if the “fun-and-games” tricks aren’t working, and they need some strict discipline. Simply put, the jumping jacks are used as a physical outlet when the kids can’t control their bodies enough to keep them out of trouble. We have a code word, for a warning and they know when they hear the code word, that’s the last time before the jumping jacks start. If they hear the code word from me a second time, they now need to do 10 jumping jacks within the next 5 minutes and stop what they were doing to get the code word said. Seems pretty simple, right? There’s a catch. If they don’t do their jumping jacks and fix the behavior by the 5 min time, then they get grounded from video games, t.v. and playing outside for a whole week! YIKES, right?! So, they usually just do their 10, laugh about it a little, and then we get on with the shopping. If for some reason, however, they DON’T stop the behavior after doing 10 jumping jacks, then I say the code word a third time, and they now have to do 100 jumping jacks within 5 minutes. It rarely goes beyond this. They are tired after 100, and don’t want to have to do any more. Also, sometimes it’s embarrassing, because people stare at the kid doing jumping jacks (mostly in shock or confusion, which I’m ok with). This little trick has worked so well for me because I don’t have to sit and argue over WHY I want a certain behavior to stop, and I don’t have to negotiate new punishments that I’m thinking of on the fly in the middle of the store. Nope. Everyone already knows the consequences of the choices made. I just have to say a code word a few times, and they have to do all the jumping jacks and control their actions to keep themselves from being grounded. (And, yes, they’ve tested this, and chosen to just be grounded a few times). Once, I was checking out at a store and the clerk asked me “Is your husband a football coach or something?” I had no idea what he was talking about because I forgot all about my son who was 3 feet away from me counting off 100 jumping jacks at the time. Yep, I love this one! ;o)
#3: Trading Places
This one is F-U-N, although can lead to some trouble, so only use it on rare occasions, but my philosophy on life is if you can’t make things fun every now and then, then what’s the point? Sometimes, my oldest son is so serious about everything that I want to teach him it’s ok to lighten up a little and enjoy all the little monotonous things about life, too. What better place than in a grocery store, right? So, when the kids aren’t acting up too badly, but just seem to be in a down and sullen mood, I hop into the grocery cart and tell them that they have to push the cart around the store, stop where I tell them to, and put everything into the cart exactly as I direct. They LOVE this!!! As you can probably guess, it requires children who are old enough to push a cart around the store without banging into other people or things, so keep that in mind. Also, it requires good listening skills from the kids as you tell them where to go, when to stop and what to get for inside the cart. Lastly, people do STARE, so be prepared for that (I just ignore everyone else, because I’m doing this for my kids, not other people). A few times that I’ve done this, I’ve had to jump out of the cart and tell my kids “Ok, I have to be the one to do the shopping now”, because I see a store clerk heading my way with that look on his face. You know the one, that indicates that you are about to have a conversation with a grown person about the inappropriate thing you are doing. And, honestly, nobody wants a lawsuit, so be careful when doing this one!
#2: The Game of “No.”
This game works great on my kids after a certain age. They have to understand that I’m kidding, so that they don’t get seriously mad at me! This is basically your reverse psychology being applied to shopping. What do kids do most when they are shopping with us? Start begging for treats, that’s what. “Can I have this? Can we buy that? Please, oh please, oh pretty, pretty please???” Sometimes, I’m in a good mood, so I say “Sure”, but usually I can’t get all the things that they are asking for, so I have to start saying “No” at some point during the shopping trip. And, what happens after the kids get told NO repeatedly? They start sulking, pouting, stomping feet, mouthing off, or just all out having a tantrum. This is not something I want to listen to, so instead I make a game out of it- one that helps me keep the peace (with a little fun) while still saying no to all the things I can’t/don’t want to buy this time. Here’s how it goes: Child- “Mommy, can I have this treat?” Me- “No.” Child- “Can I have that one?” Me- “No.” Child- “Awww, that’s not fair! You always say no!” Me- “Of course I do! I’m the mommy. Mom’s LOVE to say no to their kids. Now, quick, ask me for something else so I can say no again. . . “ Child (usually thinks for a minute) “NO!” Me- “Awwww, no fair! I wanted to keep saying no. . .” Try it out. It’s funny. Yes, I’ve gotten some crazy looks from people on this one. I love it, though.
#1: Claiming Babysitter
Honestly, truly, no matter how many tricks I keep up my sleeves for our grocery shopping trips, they don’t always work. I think it’s mostly because my kids know all my tricks by now, and sometimes they just aren’t in the mood to play around, because they are tired or grumpy or whatever. And, maybe I’M the tired and grumpy one that day. (Despite what you might think, I don’t walk around singing to birds and humming to myself about the sunshine and the flowers.) Some days just plain suck. And, on those days, I almost always end up having to run to the grocery store for something (go figure). Anyway, if all else fails and you find yourself surrounded by screaming children and everyone starts to give you that “I hate that you had offspring” look, DO THIS TRICK!! -!!*Claim to be the babysitter*!!-. Now, I don’t mean that you start announcing it on the P.A. system. That might give away your desperation for pretending to be uninvolved and make people hate you even more. No, this is what you say. Look right at those screaming children (who are so far into their tantrums, they won’t process what you are saying anyway) and you say “I’m going to tell your mother about this behavior when we get back home!” Yep, this works 10/10 times! You’d be AMAZED at how many looks suddenly turn sympathetic, how many pats on the back, and “You’re doing a great job” comments you start getting. I don’t know what it is about our sad world that makes people suddenly think you deserve a medal for being a temporary babysitter to crazy screaming children, but being a full time parent earns you silent hatred and judgment, but in these moments, you won’t care about any of that. You will just be glad for some sympathy and a chance to get back out of the store without anybody giving you a talk about birth control or something! Ok, so just be forewarned, only use this during extreme tantrums to make sure your kids don’t have the capacity to hear you and turn around and rat you out as their real mother. I got caught once, but it was by another mom, so she just laughed at my sense of humor and went on her way. Phew! ;o)
That’s all for this post. It was long, but I hope you got a few good ideas, or at least a few good laughs. Happy Shopping, everyone! :o)
Monday, May 9, 2011
I see you.
Having a child with A.D.D., I fully understand the concept that some kids view negative attention as positive attention. My middle-son will do ANYTHING to test me, to see if I’m paying attention, if I remember the rules we have set for our family, and if I will follow through on them every time. Sometimes the middle of the day feels like a competition between my son and I. I’m trying to get things accomplished, settled, and done for the day, and he’s trying to see if he can get me to crack! (Not really though, I don’t think he’s actually trying to hurt me. He’s just in his own little world) If you’ve seen the sketch “Stewart” from MADTV, it totally reminds me of that! My kids can say “Look what I can do!” and jump up and flail their arms just like Stewart. It’s pretty funny . . . most of the time.
But, why do they do it? My kids hate that I’m so busy! They require more attention from me now that I’m divorced, and I have less time for them since getting a divorce, too. I’m emotionally exhausted most days, so the thought of listening to one more Never-Ending-Story about how a game of tag went at school that day, while I’m trying to make time to finish my homework for one of my online classes and figure out in my head how we’re going to eat and pay rent for the next month, can seem like mental overload!
Despite the inevitable fact that this situation is not even close to ideal, the fact of the matter is, that at the moment, there isn’t much more I can do to drastically change anything in the near future, and so we have to adjust. We are trying to be satisfied with the moments we have together, but with stressors overloading each of us day in and day out, calm family bonding moments almost seem like a made-up fantasy, only real in the movies. I am far from perfectly patient with all my son’s cute little stories about their days (which I LOVE that they keep trying to tell me), and I would be more than happy to sit and listen to them all day long if I didn’t have so many other burdens to carry. (Justification, I know) But, really, what’s a girl to do when she has to be mommy AND daddy all the time?
I’ve adopted a system that works really well for us –when I am consistent. Basically, my kids have to learn to control their bodies on their own so that I don’t expend all of my mental efforts stopping fight after fight and tease after tease just to get my attention. I want to encourage this, so I verbalize when I see them in control and I tell them to make a mark on their chart for good efforts that I notice. They each have “charts”, which really are nothing but a printed out copy of a 70 count Dot-to-Dot of a Rocket ship, with each of their names at the top. I have taken a red marker and circled every 5 or 7 dots on their charts and when they get to that dot, they get a reward- Mommy time!
There are a few rules that we’ve added, to make this system work more smoothly. First, the time to get the reward after reaching a red circled dot is right before bedtime. Also, I don’t tell them to make a mark for everything they do well. Earning marks is random- which helps me with being ‘consistent’, in my own capabilities. Lastly, If they ask for a mark, they don’t get one, so they don’t ask for marks.
So, what does mommy time look like? The boy who gets up to a red circled dot, stays awake while the other one(s) go to bed at the regular bed-time. We have written on a separate piece of paper, 6 things that they might want to do with me that would only take 5-15 min at most. My youngest son really wanted to just cuddle, so that’s on his list. My oldest really wanted to watch a favorite YouTube video with me. We also have stories, card games, playing outside, watching t.v., and playing video games on their lists. The reward the get is chosen randomly, with a toss of a die. Whatever they roll, is the reward on their numbered list that they get. It works great! They don’t always get a reward, so it keeps everybody working toward something. The one who gets to stay up a few minutes longer REALLY motivates the others to try and get their turn, next. I like this system, because it doesn’t feel too time-consuming and it provides a great time for me to spend with my boys One-on-One at the end of the day, so mentally, I’m better prepared to give my full attention.
Probably the best thing this system does for me, however, is it forces me to notice my children throughout the day, when most of the time, I’m putting them off so that I can think through so many other important things without their constant distraction. In reality, the better I am at noticing and verbalizing my boys’ real efforts to control their bodies and make good choices on their own, the better they are at continuing to work on that self-control and proactive good behavior. And, they LOVE that I notice them! It’s like I’m telling them “I see you”. And, the more I see them and catch their good actions in the moment, the less tempted they are to use their negative actions to produce some much needed attention from me. It’s a Win-Win concept.
Somebody suggested that I start rewarding myself with my own Dot-to-Dot and a list of rewards that I can earn after my kids are in bed. I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not sure if I would forget to reward myself for my own good acts of self-control throughout the day, or if I would end up rewarding myself constantly. It’s a good reminder, to remember to take care of myself, mentally, with positive self-talk about what I did well, though, because I really do feel that so many parents just bombard themselves with all kinds of “personal failure” speeches, which are never very productive at best, and incredibly emotionally damaging at its worst.
So, take care. Try this new idea, if you want. Or, just recognize what you already do that really works for your own family. And, even if you don’t have anyone else to follow you around and say “I see you” throughout the day, recognize that you are doing the best that you can in the situation that you are in. And, your kids are, too. Don’t compare. Notice yourselves. Acknowledge what you do well. Reward your efforts to do better. Breathe, and smile. :o)
But, why do they do it? My kids hate that I’m so busy! They require more attention from me now that I’m divorced, and I have less time for them since getting a divorce, too. I’m emotionally exhausted most days, so the thought of listening to one more Never-Ending-Story about how a game of tag went at school that day, while I’m trying to make time to finish my homework for one of my online classes and figure out in my head how we’re going to eat and pay rent for the next month, can seem like mental overload!
Despite the inevitable fact that this situation is not even close to ideal, the fact of the matter is, that at the moment, there isn’t much more I can do to drastically change anything in the near future, and so we have to adjust. We are trying to be satisfied with the moments we have together, but with stressors overloading each of us day in and day out, calm family bonding moments almost seem like a made-up fantasy, only real in the movies. I am far from perfectly patient with all my son’s cute little stories about their days (which I LOVE that they keep trying to tell me), and I would be more than happy to sit and listen to them all day long if I didn’t have so many other burdens to carry. (Justification, I know) But, really, what’s a girl to do when she has to be mommy AND daddy all the time?
I’ve adopted a system that works really well for us –when I am consistent. Basically, my kids have to learn to control their bodies on their own so that I don’t expend all of my mental efforts stopping fight after fight and tease after tease just to get my attention. I want to encourage this, so I verbalize when I see them in control and I tell them to make a mark on their chart for good efforts that I notice. They each have “charts”, which really are nothing but a printed out copy of a 70 count Dot-to-Dot of a Rocket ship, with each of their names at the top. I have taken a red marker and circled every 5 or 7 dots on their charts and when they get to that dot, they get a reward- Mommy time!
There are a few rules that we’ve added, to make this system work more smoothly. First, the time to get the reward after reaching a red circled dot is right before bedtime. Also, I don’t tell them to make a mark for everything they do well. Earning marks is random- which helps me with being ‘consistent’, in my own capabilities. Lastly, If they ask for a mark, they don’t get one, so they don’t ask for marks.
So, what does mommy time look like? The boy who gets up to a red circled dot, stays awake while the other one(s) go to bed at the regular bed-time. We have written on a separate piece of paper, 6 things that they might want to do with me that would only take 5-15 min at most. My youngest son really wanted to just cuddle, so that’s on his list. My oldest really wanted to watch a favorite YouTube video with me. We also have stories, card games, playing outside, watching t.v., and playing video games on their lists. The reward the get is chosen randomly, with a toss of a die. Whatever they roll, is the reward on their numbered list that they get. It works great! They don’t always get a reward, so it keeps everybody working toward something. The one who gets to stay up a few minutes longer REALLY motivates the others to try and get their turn, next. I like this system, because it doesn’t feel too time-consuming and it provides a great time for me to spend with my boys One-on-One at the end of the day, so mentally, I’m better prepared to give my full attention.
Probably the best thing this system does for me, however, is it forces me to notice my children throughout the day, when most of the time, I’m putting them off so that I can think through so many other important things without their constant distraction. In reality, the better I am at noticing and verbalizing my boys’ real efforts to control their bodies and make good choices on their own, the better they are at continuing to work on that self-control and proactive good behavior. And, they LOVE that I notice them! It’s like I’m telling them “I see you”. And, the more I see them and catch their good actions in the moment, the less tempted they are to use their negative actions to produce some much needed attention from me. It’s a Win-Win concept.
Somebody suggested that I start rewarding myself with my own Dot-to-Dot and a list of rewards that I can earn after my kids are in bed. I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not sure if I would forget to reward myself for my own good acts of self-control throughout the day, or if I would end up rewarding myself constantly. It’s a good reminder, to remember to take care of myself, mentally, with positive self-talk about what I did well, though, because I really do feel that so many parents just bombard themselves with all kinds of “personal failure” speeches, which are never very productive at best, and incredibly emotionally damaging at its worst.
So, take care. Try this new idea, if you want. Or, just recognize what you already do that really works for your own family. And, even if you don’t have anyone else to follow you around and say “I see you” throughout the day, recognize that you are doing the best that you can in the situation that you are in. And, your kids are, too. Don’t compare. Notice yourselves. Acknowledge what you do well. Reward your efforts to do better. Breathe, and smile. :o)
WHY?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in raising my boys, it’s that I really don’t think this question will never be satisfied! And yet, I still catch myself asking . . . why? “Seriously, why did you need to dump the entire tube of toothpaste into the sink? Why did you decide to wipe your ‘self’ with the carpet, instead of just telling me you needed toilet paper? Why are you drinking the juice from the pickle jar instead of just asking me for a snack? WHY?!”
Ugh! This is something that even though I don’t ask it out loud anymore (because I’ve learned that my kids really are never going to have a good answer for me even if I do ask them ). . . I still wonder all the time. Sometimes, I’m good enough to remember that they are kids, not mini adults, and they therefore don’t have their common sense fully developed in their brains yet, so I need to just ease up. And, sometimes I’m better and remember that I do things that are illogical and impulsive at times still, too- and I DO have my common sense developed. Usually, however, I find myself grumbling and mumbling under my breath to myself about how irritating this or that “illogical” behavior is. What’s more frustrating, I think, is realizing over and over again that no amount of yelling or venting or up-scaled adult temper tantrum from me is going to change anything about what annoying thing they are doing. They are going to do what they do until they don’t. And, that’s just how it is.
Sure, I could probably “helicopter parent”, and hover over my boys constantly day in and day out to make SURE they don’t do anything wrong . . . for a few days, at least. Having tried this avenue a few times before, I’m confident it would lead to the same definition of insanity for me as I try to do the same thing again, expecting a different result this time. The only result my increased hovering ever leads to, is MORE frustration over not understanding and not being able to change any of their illogical behavior.
Of course, that’s not the END of this post. Might I submit that facing the very real, unsettling questions and feelings about parenting, and accepting the fact that we don’t have it all figured out, and neither are we perfect in our ways of dealing with frustrations – is actually the first step in a really good direction! I STILL have not figured out why my kids do the things that they do sometimes. Unfortunately, I can’t offer any solution that will take away frustrations and/or irritating behaviors for good. Nope. I actually believe that anybody who says they know exactly how to FIX a kid’s negative behaviors is either abusive or not experienced. This is what happens when you scare a kid into behaving the way that you want. They either rebel and become 10x worse, or they behave exactly the way that you want- until you aren’t looking, that is. Either way, the kid isn’t thinking for them self, isn’t making any real mistakes, and therefore isn’t making any decisions about who and what and how they really want to be (when nobody else is looking).
Now, here’s a solution that I’ve learned: BE the video game for your kids. Ok, so I don’t want you to literally become like a video game. I’m not suggesting that you start shooting pretend lasers at your kids and steal gold coins to get extra life! No. What I’m saying is, be for your kids what they seek when they play their video games.
Think about it. When your kid plays a video game, they are figuring out how to win at something. They know that they want to win, but they don’t know exactly how to win, just yet. So, they start trying all new things. New moves, new directions, new ideas; they know that with just one bad turn or wrong move, they could have to start over from the very beginning. So, why do they keep trying, time after time, and just re-start after each bad turn or wrong move? Why are they able to sit there and “melt their brains” on some “dumb game”, just so they can finally “win”? And, even if they don’t win, why do they keep playing? It’s because that game is giving them what they want from us- the people in charge of directing their lives.
I wonder how many kids wish their parents came with a “re-start” button every time they made a mistake trying to figure out how to grow up? How many times do WE wish everyone else came with a “re-start” button when we make a mistake? It’d be pretty awesome if we had that option with our boss or our best-friend, or our mom, wouldn’t it? Most of the time, right after we’ve made a bad turn or a wrong move, we can see very clearly EXACTLY why that wasn’t the right thing to do- even though right before our bad move, we didn’t really see why it was a wrong thing to do. There’s a reason why teenagers rebel and eventually move out on their own. Despite how much our parents love us, and will always be smarter than us, we get tired of hearing all about our mistakes. We just want to be able to figure out what went wrong and start over, try again, keep pounding away “mindlessly”, in hopes that eventually we’ll figure it out- and finally “win” in this game called life.
So, my idea- Spare the lecture. Spare yourself the agony of “why?” You know better than to do what they just did, thank goodness. You can see clearly why toothpaste in the sink is a bad idea. Perhaps the kid knows better now, too. Whatever the reason they’ve done what they’ve done, here’s their chance to learn from it and start over. Hand them the rag, show them how to clean it up, (fix it to your own liking after they’re out of the room), and just “Start-over”, and over, and over, and over.
The “Why’s” will figure themselves out in our kids minds over time. We may NEVER know why they did some of the things they did. We may always struggle to understand their reasoning behind things without being irritated at all the wrong turns and bad moves that we have to witness as they figure it all out. It’s probably not even going to someday suddenly all make sense. But, we CAN, become emotionally durable and resilient, and loving in our relationships with each other through the process. This is a powerful mindset, this whole learning to just “Re-start” when a mistake is made. It can heal all our relationships, even our relationship with ourselves. So, I’m reminding myself today, as I try to do this thing called parenting, that even though yesterday had its moments that left me wondering WHY I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes, I’m giving myself a “Re-start” today. I know I can do better. I know what I want to try next. I’m just going to do it. (Wish me luck) ;o)
Ugh! This is something that even though I don’t ask it out loud anymore (because I’ve learned that my kids really are never going to have a good answer for me even if I do ask them ). . . I still wonder all the time. Sometimes, I’m good enough to remember that they are kids, not mini adults, and they therefore don’t have their common sense fully developed in their brains yet, so I need to just ease up. And, sometimes I’m better and remember that I do things that are illogical and impulsive at times still, too- and I DO have my common sense developed. Usually, however, I find myself grumbling and mumbling under my breath to myself about how irritating this or that “illogical” behavior is. What’s more frustrating, I think, is realizing over and over again that no amount of yelling or venting or up-scaled adult temper tantrum from me is going to change anything about what annoying thing they are doing. They are going to do what they do until they don’t. And, that’s just how it is.
Sure, I could probably “helicopter parent”, and hover over my boys constantly day in and day out to make SURE they don’t do anything wrong . . . for a few days, at least. Having tried this avenue a few times before, I’m confident it would lead to the same definition of insanity for me as I try to do the same thing again, expecting a different result this time. The only result my increased hovering ever leads to, is MORE frustration over not understanding and not being able to change any of their illogical behavior.
Of course, that’s not the END of this post. Might I submit that facing the very real, unsettling questions and feelings about parenting, and accepting the fact that we don’t have it all figured out, and neither are we perfect in our ways of dealing with frustrations – is actually the first step in a really good direction! I STILL have not figured out why my kids do the things that they do sometimes. Unfortunately, I can’t offer any solution that will take away frustrations and/or irritating behaviors for good. Nope. I actually believe that anybody who says they know exactly how to FIX a kid’s negative behaviors is either abusive or not experienced. This is what happens when you scare a kid into behaving the way that you want. They either rebel and become 10x worse, or they behave exactly the way that you want- until you aren’t looking, that is. Either way, the kid isn’t thinking for them self, isn’t making any real mistakes, and therefore isn’t making any decisions about who and what and how they really want to be (when nobody else is looking).
Now, here’s a solution that I’ve learned: BE the video game for your kids. Ok, so I don’t want you to literally become like a video game. I’m not suggesting that you start shooting pretend lasers at your kids and steal gold coins to get extra life! No. What I’m saying is, be for your kids what they seek when they play their video games.
Think about it. When your kid plays a video game, they are figuring out how to win at something. They know that they want to win, but they don’t know exactly how to win, just yet. So, they start trying all new things. New moves, new directions, new ideas; they know that with just one bad turn or wrong move, they could have to start over from the very beginning. So, why do they keep trying, time after time, and just re-start after each bad turn or wrong move? Why are they able to sit there and “melt their brains” on some “dumb game”, just so they can finally “win”? And, even if they don’t win, why do they keep playing? It’s because that game is giving them what they want from us- the people in charge of directing their lives.
I wonder how many kids wish their parents came with a “re-start” button every time they made a mistake trying to figure out how to grow up? How many times do WE wish everyone else came with a “re-start” button when we make a mistake? It’d be pretty awesome if we had that option with our boss or our best-friend, or our mom, wouldn’t it? Most of the time, right after we’ve made a bad turn or a wrong move, we can see very clearly EXACTLY why that wasn’t the right thing to do- even though right before our bad move, we didn’t really see why it was a wrong thing to do. There’s a reason why teenagers rebel and eventually move out on their own. Despite how much our parents love us, and will always be smarter than us, we get tired of hearing all about our mistakes. We just want to be able to figure out what went wrong and start over, try again, keep pounding away “mindlessly”, in hopes that eventually we’ll figure it out- and finally “win” in this game called life.
So, my idea- Spare the lecture. Spare yourself the agony of “why?” You know better than to do what they just did, thank goodness. You can see clearly why toothpaste in the sink is a bad idea. Perhaps the kid knows better now, too. Whatever the reason they’ve done what they’ve done, here’s their chance to learn from it and start over. Hand them the rag, show them how to clean it up, (fix it to your own liking after they’re out of the room), and just “Start-over”, and over, and over, and over.
The “Why’s” will figure themselves out in our kids minds over time. We may NEVER know why they did some of the things they did. We may always struggle to understand their reasoning behind things without being irritated at all the wrong turns and bad moves that we have to witness as they figure it all out. It’s probably not even going to someday suddenly all make sense. But, we CAN, become emotionally durable and resilient, and loving in our relationships with each other through the process. This is a powerful mindset, this whole learning to just “Re-start” when a mistake is made. It can heal all our relationships, even our relationship with ourselves. So, I’m reminding myself today, as I try to do this thing called parenting, that even though yesterday had its moments that left me wondering WHY I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes, I’m giving myself a “Re-start” today. I know I can do better. I know what I want to try next. I’m just going to do it. (Wish me luck) ;o)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day to me
MOTHER’S DAY POEM-
Mommy, I love you!
Here’s cardboard, noodles & glue,
On a picture of me,
I made it just for you!
Mom, I really luv ya;
Hug and Kisses, too,
Here’s Runny eggs, toast and jam,
In your bed, from me, to you!
Mom, you know I like you,
You’re even sorta cool,
I did my homework, cleaned my room,
Now, going out, if it’s ok with you?
Mom, I haven’t forgotten you,
I’m busy now, it’s true,
Here’s a card with printed words,
Expressing my love for you.
Mom, how much I need you!
I miss each day I spend without you,
Thank you for all you’ve given me,
All my love I give now back to you.
<3 Happy Mother’s Day <3
Mommy, I love you!
Here’s cardboard, noodles & glue,
On a picture of me,
I made it just for you!
Mom, I really luv ya;
Hug and Kisses, too,
Here’s Runny eggs, toast and jam,
In your bed, from me, to you!
Mom, you know I like you,
You’re even sorta cool,
I did my homework, cleaned my room,
Now, going out, if it’s ok with you?
Mom, I haven’t forgotten you,
I’m busy now, it’s true,
Here’s a card with printed words,
Expressing my love for you.
Mom, how much I need you!
I miss each day I spend without you,
Thank you for all you’ve given me,
All my love I give now back to you.
<3 Happy Mother’s Day <3
Favorite Things
Every night at the dinner table, my kids and I take turns saying our favorite thing about that day. Now, before you get all weird and think I'm some sort of Martha Stewart of parenting, I have to confess, we really only started this a few months ago.
This is why it's stuck as a routine for us:
**I like it because it gives me a minute at the end of each day to finally connect on a personal level with my kids.
**My boys like it because I'm so busy during the day taking care of all that monotonous living stuff, and they really want/need my attention!
**I think it's good that they have a moment to hear about my day too, because it makes me into a real person to them, and not just that necessary female life-force who delivers them with the things they want.
**And, even though we're focusing on the "favorite thing" of the day, the lines of communication and trust are being opened up so that when not-so-good things happen, we're more comfortable to talk to each other about those, too.
Just think about it for a minute. Say it was a really stressful day, and so many things were going wrong and someone asked you to tell your favorite thing about today, right now. What would you say? I've been known to have those days far too often, and my answer has been "My favorite thing about today is right now, because I'm eating dinner and life is calm for a minute." I sometimes think that most parents are so frazzled and emotionally spent by the end of the day, that dinner time turns into the most insane time to try to push any family bonding time on top of it all. How many of us just want to get through the meal, and keep the kids busy with baths, brushing teeth, or whatever, so we can send them to bed already and finally relax in a moment of silence? (I'm raising my hand . . . typing is getting harder)
Ok, so I'm going to guess most of us feel that way at least half of the week. Now, just for a minute, let's think about what our kids do every day. Who do they talk to? Who teaches them everything about life? Who do they spend time with? Where are they? If your kids are school aged, like mine, they now spend 80% of their awake life away from you. If you work, or are a single parent, you can go ahead and increase that percent to 90-95%. If the only time during the day that we have with our kids is spent during the most stressful times, what are they learning about us? Are we safe to talk to? Are we happy to have them around? Do we want to be a part of their life?
Well, that's the sort of guilt trip I'm trying to avoid, so let's just say that these thoughts are what prompted me as a single mother to spend my precious end of the day hours engaged with my kids. I am not perfect at it. Sometimes, I snap and send everyone to bed at 7:00, only to realize how dumb that is, and I have to tell them to get back up again for another hour. I'm just admitting that I CHERISH my "Me-time", and there are a lot of things I'm still trying to get done at the end of the day that seem more important than a sit-down-meal and (gasp!) maybe even a family game afterwards.
But, I have to say that ever since we've started to really try to put the t.v. off and the computer away (that's my crutch) and just spend some time together each night, it has made a big difference in the mood of our home. I've noticed some strange phenomena around here. Once, my kids saw all their friends playing outside and they decided to stay in and play a board game together. (WHAT?!)
Ok, so that was only a one-time thing, but I'm still shocked it even happened! Oh, and I guess I should mention, my boys are 9, 7 1/2, and 6, so they are at the perfect age to . . . want to dog pile each other and fight over who's in charge of who, all day long. Yep, it's a rowdy house, to say the least, and I'm a very girly-girl at heart, so I continue to stubbornly expect them to learn to be gentlemen someday.
But, I'm off topic. All I'm saying is that we do this and it's good. And, ok,a man probably could have made this same point in 2 sentences, but I'm not a man. I'm a woman. And, I'm the mother of three boys. And, I love them.
(Oh, and my favorite thing about today was getting to cuddle on the couch with my two younger boys, while my oldest made pancakes for everyone for dinner, because I had a migrain.) :)
This is why it's stuck as a routine for us:
**I like it because it gives me a minute at the end of each day to finally connect on a personal level with my kids.
**My boys like it because I'm so busy during the day taking care of all that monotonous living stuff, and they really want/need my attention!
**I think it's good that they have a moment to hear about my day too, because it makes me into a real person to them, and not just that necessary female life-force who delivers them with the things they want.
**And, even though we're focusing on the "favorite thing" of the day, the lines of communication and trust are being opened up so that when not-so-good things happen, we're more comfortable to talk to each other about those, too.
Just think about it for a minute. Say it was a really stressful day, and so many things were going wrong and someone asked you to tell your favorite thing about today, right now. What would you say? I've been known to have those days far too often, and my answer has been "My favorite thing about today is right now, because I'm eating dinner and life is calm for a minute." I sometimes think that most parents are so frazzled and emotionally spent by the end of the day, that dinner time turns into the most insane time to try to push any family bonding time on top of it all. How many of us just want to get through the meal, and keep the kids busy with baths, brushing teeth, or whatever, so we can send them to bed already and finally relax in a moment of silence? (I'm raising my hand . . . typing is getting harder)
Ok, so I'm going to guess most of us feel that way at least half of the week. Now, just for a minute, let's think about what our kids do every day. Who do they talk to? Who teaches them everything about life? Who do they spend time with? Where are they? If your kids are school aged, like mine, they now spend 80% of their awake life away from you. If you work, or are a single parent, you can go ahead and increase that percent to 90-95%. If the only time during the day that we have with our kids is spent during the most stressful times, what are they learning about us? Are we safe to talk to? Are we happy to have them around? Do we want to be a part of their life?
Well, that's the sort of guilt trip I'm trying to avoid, so let's just say that these thoughts are what prompted me as a single mother to spend my precious end of the day hours engaged with my kids. I am not perfect at it. Sometimes, I snap and send everyone to bed at 7:00, only to realize how dumb that is, and I have to tell them to get back up again for another hour. I'm just admitting that I CHERISH my "Me-time", and there are a lot of things I'm still trying to get done at the end of the day that seem more important than a sit-down-meal and (gasp!) maybe even a family game afterwards.
But, I have to say that ever since we've started to really try to put the t.v. off and the computer away (that's my crutch) and just spend some time together each night, it has made a big difference in the mood of our home. I've noticed some strange phenomena around here. Once, my kids saw all their friends playing outside and they decided to stay in and play a board game together. (WHAT?!)
Ok, so that was only a one-time thing, but I'm still shocked it even happened! Oh, and I guess I should mention, my boys are 9, 7 1/2, and 6, so they are at the perfect age to . . . want to dog pile each other and fight over who's in charge of who, all day long. Yep, it's a rowdy house, to say the least, and I'm a very girly-girl at heart, so I continue to stubbornly expect them to learn to be gentlemen someday.
But, I'm off topic. All I'm saying is that we do this and it's good. And, ok,a man probably could have made this same point in 2 sentences, but I'm not a man. I'm a woman. And, I'm the mother of three boys. And, I love them.
(Oh, and my favorite thing about today was getting to cuddle on the couch with my two younger boys, while my oldest made pancakes for everyone for dinner, because I had a migrain.) :)
Wait. . . Where are we now?!
Ok, so as I reminisce on the most memorable moments of parenting for me, so far, I have a LOT of fun and funny things that I want to share here! I thought that before I do that, however, I want to give a little perspective on my parenting view point.
I called this blog “Open Book Parenting” for a reason. My attitude is, the more bluntly honest I can be, the greater the potential for impact on others. At the same time, most parents already know, there isn’t just ONE way to raise a child successfully. Every kids seems to come with their own unique hard-wiring and no matter how blue in the face you want to get about fighting who they are at their core, until you figure out how your kid works and what makes them ‘tic’, the job of raising that kid is going to be 100x harder (just trust me on this one). And, as life seems to love to do to us, as soon as we figure that kid out, they hit another developmental stage and completely change again. And even sometimes, and even harder to handle, once we figure something out, we can’t get anyone else to recognize, accept, or support the new technique or strategy that we’ve just figured out!
Now, I’m hardly an expert on how all of your kid’s work; all I know about are mine, so that’s what I’m going to share. Two of my kids have been diagnosed in their childhood with some difficult to swallow, life altering things and despite my years learning about Early Childhood Development and Education, I am constantly having to re-adjust the way I parent all my kids. Sometimes, it’s hard not to relate my parenting with Multiple Personality Disorder, because of how different my kids are and how different I have to be to help them each. And, then add to that mess my own natural tendencies to do things the way I was raised or would want for ME. (Sigh, yes I said it)
It’s strange how without even knowing it, we have our dreams and desires for what we want our children to become, and then things happen along the way to awaken us to those subconscious expectations we’ve been carrying all along for our children. Learning to let go of our “would have been” and “could have been” ‘s for our kids, whether because of gradual understanding that they are unique individuals or because of a sudden diagnosis, or life changing event(s) can be very heartbreaking. Eventually, however, we all have to face the realization that nothing is going to go exactly (or sometimes, even close) to the way we’ve planned. One of my favorite stories, written by a woman named Emily Pearl Kingsley, illustrates this feeling so perfectly. I would like to share that with you, now:
WELCOME TO HOLLAND, by: Emily Pearl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this. . . .
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plan lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!” you say, “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
“But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.”
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But, everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
I called this blog “Open Book Parenting” for a reason. My attitude is, the more bluntly honest I can be, the greater the potential for impact on others. At the same time, most parents already know, there isn’t just ONE way to raise a child successfully. Every kids seems to come with their own unique hard-wiring and no matter how blue in the face you want to get about fighting who they are at their core, until you figure out how your kid works and what makes them ‘tic’, the job of raising that kid is going to be 100x harder (just trust me on this one). And, as life seems to love to do to us, as soon as we figure that kid out, they hit another developmental stage and completely change again. And even sometimes, and even harder to handle, once we figure something out, we can’t get anyone else to recognize, accept, or support the new technique or strategy that we’ve just figured out!
Now, I’m hardly an expert on how all of your kid’s work; all I know about are mine, so that’s what I’m going to share. Two of my kids have been diagnosed in their childhood with some difficult to swallow, life altering things and despite my years learning about Early Childhood Development and Education, I am constantly having to re-adjust the way I parent all my kids. Sometimes, it’s hard not to relate my parenting with Multiple Personality Disorder, because of how different my kids are and how different I have to be to help them each. And, then add to that mess my own natural tendencies to do things the way I was raised or would want for ME. (Sigh, yes I said it)
It’s strange how without even knowing it, we have our dreams and desires for what we want our children to become, and then things happen along the way to awaken us to those subconscious expectations we’ve been carrying all along for our children. Learning to let go of our “would have been” and “could have been” ‘s for our kids, whether because of gradual understanding that they are unique individuals or because of a sudden diagnosis, or life changing event(s) can be very heartbreaking. Eventually, however, we all have to face the realization that nothing is going to go exactly (or sometimes, even close) to the way we’ve planned. One of my favorite stories, written by a woman named Emily Pearl Kingsley, illustrates this feeling so perfectly. I would like to share that with you, now:
WELCOME TO HOLLAND, by: Emily Pearl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this. . . .
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plan lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!” you say, “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
“But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.”
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But, everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
It's a BOY! :o)
There it was on the screen, and later printed out, to be kept in a baby scrapbook . . . the one part that made my baby inside of me, a boy. I was happy, but also shocked and mortified at the same time. I have no idea how to describe how real it all suddenly felt when I realized I was going to be a mom to a son. A son!
I don't know why, but I always thought of babies and children as predominantly female. Oh wait, I know why. It's because I was thinking about life from MY perspective. Up until this point, my life had basically revolved around ME and served ME. From then on, I would view the world from a completely new set of lenses- with my life revolved and wrapped around the raising of my child.
3 littly boys, 9 1/2 years, and a divorce later, I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in the twilight zone, but being a mom really is the best job in the world. I've enjoyed looking back on the insanity of trying to nurse, the craziness of toilet training, the "somebody just shoot me in the eyeball" moments of grocery shopping mid-day with kids in tow. For the present, I still stumble along, wondering if I'm doing anything right at all, but pressing forward anyway, because even though I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, all I know is I'm not moving backwards!
So, here's a blog. A chance to vent, to purge, to question, to entertain, to brag a little, and to connect, because I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like life as a parent is sometimes just a little crazier than I think I can deal with. And then, suddenly, the mood changes, or the kids fall asleep for the night, and something within me softens and tugs at the heartstrings and I can't think of anything else I'd want to do more than to have another day with these kids.
Oh, and sorry for the mom's and dad's of little girls, I don't have much experience with bows and tutu's and glitter wands lately, but I hope you stick around and read anyway, because who knows, you might be able to relate- and I hope you do. <3
I don't know why, but I always thought of babies and children as predominantly female. Oh wait, I know why. It's because I was thinking about life from MY perspective. Up until this point, my life had basically revolved around ME and served ME. From then on, I would view the world from a completely new set of lenses- with my life revolved and wrapped around the raising of my child.
3 littly boys, 9 1/2 years, and a divorce later, I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in the twilight zone, but being a mom really is the best job in the world. I've enjoyed looking back on the insanity of trying to nurse, the craziness of toilet training, the "somebody just shoot me in the eyeball" moments of grocery shopping mid-day with kids in tow. For the present, I still stumble along, wondering if I'm doing anything right at all, but pressing forward anyway, because even though I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, all I know is I'm not moving backwards!
So, here's a blog. A chance to vent, to purge, to question, to entertain, to brag a little, and to connect, because I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like life as a parent is sometimes just a little crazier than I think I can deal with. And then, suddenly, the mood changes, or the kids fall asleep for the night, and something within me softens and tugs at the heartstrings and I can't think of anything else I'd want to do more than to have another day with these kids.
Oh, and sorry for the mom's and dad's of little girls, I don't have much experience with bows and tutu's and glitter wands lately, but I hope you stick around and read anyway, because who knows, you might be able to relate- and I hope you do. <3
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