I see you.

Having a child with A.D.D., I fully understand the concept that some kids view negative attention as positive attention. My middle-son will do ANYTHING to test me, to see if I’m paying attention, if I remember the rules we have set for our family, and if I will follow through on them every time. Sometimes the middle of the day feels like a competition between my son and I. I’m trying to get things accomplished, settled, and done for the day, and he’s trying to see if he can get me to crack! (Not really though, I don’t think he’s actually trying to hurt me. He’s just in his own little world) If you’ve seen the sketch “Stewart” from MADTV, it totally reminds me of that! My kids can say “Look what I can do!” and jump up and flail their arms just like Stewart. It’s pretty funny . . . most of the time.

But, why do they do it? My kids hate that I’m so busy! They require more attention from me now that I’m divorced, and I have less time for them since getting a divorce, too. I’m emotionally exhausted most days, so the thought of listening to one more Never-Ending-Story about how a game of tag went at school that day, while I’m trying to make time to finish my homework for one of my online classes and figure out in my head how we’re going to eat and pay rent for the next month, can seem like mental overload!

Despite the inevitable fact that this situation is not even close to ideal, the fact of the matter is, that at the moment, there isn’t much more I can do to drastically change anything in the near future, and so we have to adjust. We are trying to be satisfied with the moments we have together, but with stressors overloading each of us day in and day out, calm family bonding moments almost seem like a made-up fantasy, only real in the movies. I am far from perfectly patient with all my son’s cute little stories about their days (which I LOVE that they keep trying to tell me), and I would be more than happy to sit and listen to them all day long if I didn’t have so many other burdens to carry. (Justification, I know) But, really, what’s a girl to do when she has to be mommy AND daddy all the time?

I’ve adopted a system that works really well for us –when I am consistent. Basically, my kids have to learn to control their bodies on their own so that I don’t expend all of my mental efforts stopping fight after fight and tease after tease just to get my attention. I want to encourage this, so I verbalize when I see them in control and I tell them to make a mark on their chart for good efforts that I notice. They each have “charts”, which really are nothing but a printed out copy of a 70 count Dot-to-Dot of a Rocket ship, with each of their names at the top. I have taken a red marker and circled every 5 or 7 dots on their charts and when they get to that dot, they get a reward- Mommy time!

There are a few rules that we’ve added, to make this system work more smoothly. First, the time to get the reward after reaching a red circled dot is right before bedtime. Also, I don’t tell them to make a mark for everything they do well. Earning marks is random- which helps me with being ‘consistent’, in my own capabilities. Lastly, If they ask for a mark, they don’t get one, so they don’t ask for marks.

So, what does mommy time look like? The boy who gets up to a red circled dot, stays awake while the other one(s) go to bed at the regular bed-time. We have written on a separate piece of paper, 6 things that they might want to do with me that would only take 5-15 min at most. My youngest son really wanted to just cuddle, so that’s on his list. My oldest really wanted to watch a favorite YouTube video with me. We also have stories, card games, playing outside, watching t.v., and playing video games on their lists. The reward the get is chosen randomly, with a toss of a die. Whatever they roll, is the reward on their numbered list that they get. It works great! They don’t always get a reward, so it keeps everybody working toward something. The one who gets to stay up a few minutes longer REALLY motivates the others to try and get their turn, next. I like this system, because it doesn’t feel too time-consuming and it provides a great time for me to spend with my boys One-on-One at the end of the day, so mentally, I’m better prepared to give my full attention.

Probably the best thing this system does for me, however, is it forces me to notice my children throughout the day, when most of the time, I’m putting them off so that I can think through so many other important things without their constant distraction. In reality, the better I am at noticing and verbalizing my boys’ real efforts to control their bodies and make good choices on their own, the better they are at continuing to work on that self-control and proactive good behavior. And, they LOVE that I notice them! It’s like I’m telling them “I see you”. And, the more I see them and catch their good actions in the moment, the less tempted they are to use their negative actions to produce some much needed attention from me. It’s a Win-Win concept.

Somebody suggested that I start rewarding myself with my own Dot-to-Dot and a list of rewards that I can earn after my kids are in bed. I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not sure if I would forget to reward myself for my own good acts of self-control throughout the day, or if I would end up rewarding myself constantly. It’s a good reminder, to remember to take care of myself, mentally, with positive self-talk about what I did well, though, because I really do feel that so many parents just bombard themselves with all kinds of “personal failure” speeches, which are never very productive at best, and incredibly emotionally damaging at its worst.

So, take care. Try this new idea, if you want. Or, just recognize what you already do that really works for your own family. And, even if you don’t have anyone else to follow you around and say “I see you” throughout the day, recognize that you are doing the best that you can in the situation that you are in. And, your kids are, too. Don’t compare. Notice yourselves. Acknowledge what you do well. Reward your efforts to do better. Breathe, and smile. :o)