There are, admittedly, a few advantages to having 3 wild boys in tow everywhere I have to go. Don’t tell anyone else I said this, but I’ve skipped right to the front of lines at the DMV, or other such places when I have my kids with me. And, without anyone else offering any complaint about it, either! Something about most people not wanting to listen to the sound of eternally perpetuating madness that makes everyone MORE than happy to help me get on my way again as soon as humanly possible. Hmmmm . . .
And, while that might sound unfair and you might start thinking I should not be bragging about how I have manipulate crowds of others who are waiting patiently for their turn to be helped, let me even the score for you. In fact, I’ll go ahead and admit the real truth. Usually, it’s not that much fun dragging 3 wild boys around on errands, for me or the other people around.
The most typical errand that I end up doing with my kids is grocery shopping. I try to get it done when they are in school, but I tend to put it off in favor of other errands first, as grocery shopping is the least difficult to do while checked out mentally.
But, even if it does take the least amount of brain power to do, I still must enter, shop, check-out, and leave all on my own. So, I’ve decided to list my top 10 favorite things to do to make the shopping trips with the kids just a LITTLE less insane. Use them, if they work. And, if they don’t, kindly forget that you heard them from me. Most importantly, make them your own. Here they are! I’m counting backwards from 10.
#10: Distraction 101
“What grocery store?” If there’s one thing my middle son hates the most, it’s going grocery shopping! He gets mad at the very sound of the announcement that we need something from the store. (I think it’s because he knows his limits and he knows he will end up getting into trouble for acting out in the store, once again) So, sometimes I skip the warning that we are entering a grocery store and I use his A.D.D. to my advantage. I get him talking about things that happened at school or I ask him to tell me some favorite jokes. More often than not, he’s happy to have a willing ear for his unstoppable tangents and I just walk along listening and smiling as I try to get as far into the shopping trip as possible before he looks up and notices where he is. I used distraction a lot for all my boys when they were little, too. I could say things like “Did you hear that bird?” and then I’d look up and pretend to see a bird inside the store. It would keep them busy for a few minutes as they looked and listened for a make believe animal. Once, we actually DID see a bird, so it was perfect!
#9: Delegating Choices
I use this mostly when I’m in the produce section of the store. I like to try to integrate different fruits and vegetables into our favorite meals throughout the week and I found myself agonizing over what to choose, and what my kids were most likely to eat, while just standing around in the produce section. This led to problems, because the boys got tired of standing around waiting for me to figure out what I was doing and the behaviors to get my attention would start. I have unfortunately, said the words “Get off of the lettuce!” so many times, I’ve lost count. Then, one day, it just hit me. I started asking each of my kids to pick a fruit and vegetable for that week. They each had to pick something different. This kept them busy, helped me choose what they would eat, and it got them to try some new things because they actually started looking at the produce and asking me what things like Asparagus and Brussels Sprouts were (two vegetables I had been TOO afraid to even try on them beforehand).
#8: Divide and Conquer
Every parent knows that on some days, no matter what tricks we have up our sleeves, the kids are just trying to kill each other. So, the divide and conquer trick is something I’ve used a lot. It’s just like it sounds. Keep the children physically away from each other. If that means making one walk and putting 2 in separate parts of a grocery cart, then great. If two of them have to hold onto my pockets on opposites sides of my body while we walk, and one is in the cart, then we do that. Many of the grocery stores now have “Car-carts” that have a separate compartment in the front that looks like a little car. I LOVE those, because it separates my kid’s right out. My oldest is too big for the car now, so my younger two get to sit in there (as long as they are getting along) while my oldest helps me do the shopping. In the past, I’ve been seen pushing one cart with a child and groceries in it in front of me, while pulling another cart, with two kids in it behind me. Yes. Anything that keeps feuding children separated during the grocery shopping is worth it to me, on days like that.
#7: Blast the Aliens
I’ve had some scary experiences with guns in the past, so I’ve tried to raise my boys without toy guns. I want them to realize that guns are tools, not toys and they require respect and proper handling. Despite all my efforts, EVERYTHING turns into a gun or a shooting game. So, when we’re shopping, I just go with their instinct to want to shoot everything and I try to alter it in a way that still fits into what I want them to learn. We aren’t allowed to shoot people, but I tell them that there are “Aliens” in the store and they must blast any alien that they see (within reasonable volume of sound, of course). How do we know if it’s an alien? I pick a color and I tell them that the aliens are (let’s say purple, for instance) “purple” and that if they see anything that is purple, it is probably an alien who has changed shape to look like a ball, or eggplant, or hat, etc. They usually go right into game mode looking for anything of that color, calling it out, and blasting aliens for quite some time without needing another distraction for a while.
#6: Driving Lessons
I mentioned the “Car-carts”, right? Well, I just tell my kids where to steer and then I go the opposite way. Or, I swivel the cart back and forth and make it seem like they are about to run into something and tell them to do a better job steering. Of course, they know I’m kidding, but it makes them giggle and they start pretending to actually be driving. Of course, be careful. It’s less forgivable when an adult runs a cart into another person or a cereal stack, than if a kid did it, and for what ever reason, I’ve never been able to successfully blame my kid for the “bad driving” of the cart.
#5: Bubble gum, Bubble gum, in a machine
This one is a bribe. I mean a bribe. I mean a bribe. I mean, well, ok, yes, it’s a bribe. It doesn’t have to be horrible, though! I wouldn’t recommend bribing the kids every time you go to a grocery store, because that turns into a bartering game you are sure to lose very quickly. It’s just that, sometimes, when the kids are having a relatively good day and I’m in a mood to reward, I might “find” a quarter lying on the ground right outside the store. And, then I might say something like, “Wow, I wonder what I could use this quarter for?” Of course, my kids know that the bubble gum dispenser’s right at the entrance/exit of the store only cost a quarter so they pipe right up and start begging for gum! In which case, I have a perfect exit strategy. I tell them that they have behaved well today and as long as there isn’t any trouble in the store, I’d be happy to let them use the quarter for gum on the way back out to the car. ;o)
#4: Jumping Jacks
This one is a bit less nice and less fun than all the other ones (at least for the kids). It’s something we came up with together in a family meeting, and my kids know that I mean business when this comes up. For whatever reason, it hasn’t failed us yet, so I know I can use this if the “fun-and-games” tricks aren’t working, and they need some strict discipline. Simply put, the jumping jacks are used as a physical outlet when the kids can’t control their bodies enough to keep them out of trouble. We have a code word, for a warning and they know when they hear the code word, that’s the last time before the jumping jacks start. If they hear the code word from me a second time, they now need to do 10 jumping jacks within the next 5 minutes and stop what they were doing to get the code word said. Seems pretty simple, right? There’s a catch. If they don’t do their jumping jacks and fix the behavior by the 5 min time, then they get grounded from video games, t.v. and playing outside for a whole week! YIKES, right?! So, they usually just do their 10, laugh about it a little, and then we get on with the shopping. If for some reason, however, they DON’T stop the behavior after doing 10 jumping jacks, then I say the code word a third time, and they now have to do 100 jumping jacks within 5 minutes. It rarely goes beyond this. They are tired after 100, and don’t want to have to do any more. Also, sometimes it’s embarrassing, because people stare at the kid doing jumping jacks (mostly in shock or confusion, which I’m ok with). This little trick has worked so well for me because I don’t have to sit and argue over WHY I want a certain behavior to stop, and I don’t have to negotiate new punishments that I’m thinking of on the fly in the middle of the store. Nope. Everyone already knows the consequences of the choices made. I just have to say a code word a few times, and they have to do all the jumping jacks and control their actions to keep themselves from being grounded. (And, yes, they’ve tested this, and chosen to just be grounded a few times). Once, I was checking out at a store and the clerk asked me “Is your husband a football coach or something?” I had no idea what he was talking about because I forgot all about my son who was 3 feet away from me counting off 100 jumping jacks at the time. Yep, I love this one! ;o)
#3: Trading Places
This one is F-U-N, although can lead to some trouble, so only use it on rare occasions, but my philosophy on life is if you can’t make things fun every now and then, then what’s the point? Sometimes, my oldest son is so serious about everything that I want to teach him it’s ok to lighten up a little and enjoy all the little monotonous things about life, too. What better place than in a grocery store, right? So, when the kids aren’t acting up too badly, but just seem to be in a down and sullen mood, I hop into the grocery cart and tell them that they have to push the cart around the store, stop where I tell them to, and put everything into the cart exactly as I direct. They LOVE this!!! As you can probably guess, it requires children who are old enough to push a cart around the store without banging into other people or things, so keep that in mind. Also, it requires good listening skills from the kids as you tell them where to go, when to stop and what to get for inside the cart. Lastly, people do STARE, so be prepared for that (I just ignore everyone else, because I’m doing this for my kids, not other people). A few times that I’ve done this, I’ve had to jump out of the cart and tell my kids “Ok, I have to be the one to do the shopping now”, because I see a store clerk heading my way with that look on his face. You know the one, that indicates that you are about to have a conversation with a grown person about the inappropriate thing you are doing. And, honestly, nobody wants a lawsuit, so be careful when doing this one!
#2: The Game of “No.”
This game works great on my kids after a certain age. They have to understand that I’m kidding, so that they don’t get seriously mad at me! This is basically your reverse psychology being applied to shopping. What do kids do most when they are shopping with us? Start begging for treats, that’s what. “Can I have this? Can we buy that? Please, oh please, oh pretty, pretty please???” Sometimes, I’m in a good mood, so I say “Sure”, but usually I can’t get all the things that they are asking for, so I have to start saying “No” at some point during the shopping trip. And, what happens after the kids get told NO repeatedly? They start sulking, pouting, stomping feet, mouthing off, or just all out having a tantrum. This is not something I want to listen to, so instead I make a game out of it- one that helps me keep the peace (with a little fun) while still saying no to all the things I can’t/don’t want to buy this time. Here’s how it goes: Child- “Mommy, can I have this treat?” Me- “No.” Child- “Can I have that one?” Me- “No.” Child- “Awww, that’s not fair! You always say no!” Me- “Of course I do! I’m the mommy. Mom’s LOVE to say no to their kids. Now, quick, ask me for something else so I can say no again. . . “ Child (usually thinks for a minute) “NO!” Me- “Awwww, no fair! I wanted to keep saying no. . .” Try it out. It’s funny. Yes, I’ve gotten some crazy looks from people on this one. I love it, though.
#1: Claiming Babysitter
Honestly, truly, no matter how many tricks I keep up my sleeves for our grocery shopping trips, they don’t always work. I think it’s mostly because my kids know all my tricks by now, and sometimes they just aren’t in the mood to play around, because they are tired or grumpy or whatever. And, maybe I’M the tired and grumpy one that day. (Despite what you might think, I don’t walk around singing to birds and humming to myself about the sunshine and the flowers.) Some days just plain suck. And, on those days, I almost always end up having to run to the grocery store for something (go figure). Anyway, if all else fails and you find yourself surrounded by screaming children and everyone starts to give you that “I hate that you had offspring” look, DO THIS TRICK!! -!!*Claim to be the babysitter*!!-. Now, I don’t mean that you start announcing it on the P.A. system. That might give away your desperation for pretending to be uninvolved and make people hate you even more. No, this is what you say. Look right at those screaming children (who are so far into their tantrums, they won’t process what you are saying anyway) and you say “I’m going to tell your mother about this behavior when we get back home!” Yep, this works 10/10 times! You’d be AMAZED at how many looks suddenly turn sympathetic, how many pats on the back, and “You’re doing a great job” comments you start getting. I don’t know what it is about our sad world that makes people suddenly think you deserve a medal for being a temporary babysitter to crazy screaming children, but being a full time parent earns you silent hatred and judgment, but in these moments, you won’t care about any of that. You will just be glad for some sympathy and a chance to get back out of the store without anybody giving you a talk about birth control or something! Ok, so just be forewarned, only use this during extreme tantrums to make sure your kids don’t have the capacity to hear you and turn around and rat you out as their real mother. I got caught once, but it was by another mom, so she just laughed at my sense of humor and went on her way. Phew! ;o)
That’s all for this post. It was long, but I hope you got a few good ideas, or at least a few good laughs. Happy Shopping, everyone! :o)
Friday, May 13, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
I see you.
Having a child with A.D.D., I fully understand the concept that some kids view negative attention as positive attention. My middle-son will do ANYTHING to test me, to see if I’m paying attention, if I remember the rules we have set for our family, and if I will follow through on them every time. Sometimes the middle of the day feels like a competition between my son and I. I’m trying to get things accomplished, settled, and done for the day, and he’s trying to see if he can get me to crack! (Not really though, I don’t think he’s actually trying to hurt me. He’s just in his own little world) If you’ve seen the sketch “Stewart” from MADTV, it totally reminds me of that! My kids can say “Look what I can do!” and jump up and flail their arms just like Stewart. It’s pretty funny . . . most of the time.
But, why do they do it? My kids hate that I’m so busy! They require more attention from me now that I’m divorced, and I have less time for them since getting a divorce, too. I’m emotionally exhausted most days, so the thought of listening to one more Never-Ending-Story about how a game of tag went at school that day, while I’m trying to make time to finish my homework for one of my online classes and figure out in my head how we’re going to eat and pay rent for the next month, can seem like mental overload!
Despite the inevitable fact that this situation is not even close to ideal, the fact of the matter is, that at the moment, there isn’t much more I can do to drastically change anything in the near future, and so we have to adjust. We are trying to be satisfied with the moments we have together, but with stressors overloading each of us day in and day out, calm family bonding moments almost seem like a made-up fantasy, only real in the movies. I am far from perfectly patient with all my son’s cute little stories about their days (which I LOVE that they keep trying to tell me), and I would be more than happy to sit and listen to them all day long if I didn’t have so many other burdens to carry. (Justification, I know) But, really, what’s a girl to do when she has to be mommy AND daddy all the time?
I’ve adopted a system that works really well for us –when I am consistent. Basically, my kids have to learn to control their bodies on their own so that I don’t expend all of my mental efforts stopping fight after fight and tease after tease just to get my attention. I want to encourage this, so I verbalize when I see them in control and I tell them to make a mark on their chart for good efforts that I notice. They each have “charts”, which really are nothing but a printed out copy of a 70 count Dot-to-Dot of a Rocket ship, with each of their names at the top. I have taken a red marker and circled every 5 or 7 dots on their charts and when they get to that dot, they get a reward- Mommy time!
There are a few rules that we’ve added, to make this system work more smoothly. First, the time to get the reward after reaching a red circled dot is right before bedtime. Also, I don’t tell them to make a mark for everything they do well. Earning marks is random- which helps me with being ‘consistent’, in my own capabilities. Lastly, If they ask for a mark, they don’t get one, so they don’t ask for marks.
So, what does mommy time look like? The boy who gets up to a red circled dot, stays awake while the other one(s) go to bed at the regular bed-time. We have written on a separate piece of paper, 6 things that they might want to do with me that would only take 5-15 min at most. My youngest son really wanted to just cuddle, so that’s on his list. My oldest really wanted to watch a favorite YouTube video with me. We also have stories, card games, playing outside, watching t.v., and playing video games on their lists. The reward the get is chosen randomly, with a toss of a die. Whatever they roll, is the reward on their numbered list that they get. It works great! They don’t always get a reward, so it keeps everybody working toward something. The one who gets to stay up a few minutes longer REALLY motivates the others to try and get their turn, next. I like this system, because it doesn’t feel too time-consuming and it provides a great time for me to spend with my boys One-on-One at the end of the day, so mentally, I’m better prepared to give my full attention.
Probably the best thing this system does for me, however, is it forces me to notice my children throughout the day, when most of the time, I’m putting them off so that I can think through so many other important things without their constant distraction. In reality, the better I am at noticing and verbalizing my boys’ real efforts to control their bodies and make good choices on their own, the better they are at continuing to work on that self-control and proactive good behavior. And, they LOVE that I notice them! It’s like I’m telling them “I see you”. And, the more I see them and catch their good actions in the moment, the less tempted they are to use their negative actions to produce some much needed attention from me. It’s a Win-Win concept.
Somebody suggested that I start rewarding myself with my own Dot-to-Dot and a list of rewards that I can earn after my kids are in bed. I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not sure if I would forget to reward myself for my own good acts of self-control throughout the day, or if I would end up rewarding myself constantly. It’s a good reminder, to remember to take care of myself, mentally, with positive self-talk about what I did well, though, because I really do feel that so many parents just bombard themselves with all kinds of “personal failure” speeches, which are never very productive at best, and incredibly emotionally damaging at its worst.
So, take care. Try this new idea, if you want. Or, just recognize what you already do that really works for your own family. And, even if you don’t have anyone else to follow you around and say “I see you” throughout the day, recognize that you are doing the best that you can in the situation that you are in. And, your kids are, too. Don’t compare. Notice yourselves. Acknowledge what you do well. Reward your efforts to do better. Breathe, and smile. :o)
But, why do they do it? My kids hate that I’m so busy! They require more attention from me now that I’m divorced, and I have less time for them since getting a divorce, too. I’m emotionally exhausted most days, so the thought of listening to one more Never-Ending-Story about how a game of tag went at school that day, while I’m trying to make time to finish my homework for one of my online classes and figure out in my head how we’re going to eat and pay rent for the next month, can seem like mental overload!
Despite the inevitable fact that this situation is not even close to ideal, the fact of the matter is, that at the moment, there isn’t much more I can do to drastically change anything in the near future, and so we have to adjust. We are trying to be satisfied with the moments we have together, but with stressors overloading each of us day in and day out, calm family bonding moments almost seem like a made-up fantasy, only real in the movies. I am far from perfectly patient with all my son’s cute little stories about their days (which I LOVE that they keep trying to tell me), and I would be more than happy to sit and listen to them all day long if I didn’t have so many other burdens to carry. (Justification, I know) But, really, what’s a girl to do when she has to be mommy AND daddy all the time?
I’ve adopted a system that works really well for us –when I am consistent. Basically, my kids have to learn to control their bodies on their own so that I don’t expend all of my mental efforts stopping fight after fight and tease after tease just to get my attention. I want to encourage this, so I verbalize when I see them in control and I tell them to make a mark on their chart for good efforts that I notice. They each have “charts”, which really are nothing but a printed out copy of a 70 count Dot-to-Dot of a Rocket ship, with each of their names at the top. I have taken a red marker and circled every 5 or 7 dots on their charts and when they get to that dot, they get a reward- Mommy time!
There are a few rules that we’ve added, to make this system work more smoothly. First, the time to get the reward after reaching a red circled dot is right before bedtime. Also, I don’t tell them to make a mark for everything they do well. Earning marks is random- which helps me with being ‘consistent’, in my own capabilities. Lastly, If they ask for a mark, they don’t get one, so they don’t ask for marks.
So, what does mommy time look like? The boy who gets up to a red circled dot, stays awake while the other one(s) go to bed at the regular bed-time. We have written on a separate piece of paper, 6 things that they might want to do with me that would only take 5-15 min at most. My youngest son really wanted to just cuddle, so that’s on his list. My oldest really wanted to watch a favorite YouTube video with me. We also have stories, card games, playing outside, watching t.v., and playing video games on their lists. The reward the get is chosen randomly, with a toss of a die. Whatever they roll, is the reward on their numbered list that they get. It works great! They don’t always get a reward, so it keeps everybody working toward something. The one who gets to stay up a few minutes longer REALLY motivates the others to try and get their turn, next. I like this system, because it doesn’t feel too time-consuming and it provides a great time for me to spend with my boys One-on-One at the end of the day, so mentally, I’m better prepared to give my full attention.
Probably the best thing this system does for me, however, is it forces me to notice my children throughout the day, when most of the time, I’m putting them off so that I can think through so many other important things without their constant distraction. In reality, the better I am at noticing and verbalizing my boys’ real efforts to control their bodies and make good choices on their own, the better they are at continuing to work on that self-control and proactive good behavior. And, they LOVE that I notice them! It’s like I’m telling them “I see you”. And, the more I see them and catch their good actions in the moment, the less tempted they are to use their negative actions to produce some much needed attention from me. It’s a Win-Win concept.
Somebody suggested that I start rewarding myself with my own Dot-to-Dot and a list of rewards that I can earn after my kids are in bed. I’ll have to think about that one. I’m not sure if I would forget to reward myself for my own good acts of self-control throughout the day, or if I would end up rewarding myself constantly. It’s a good reminder, to remember to take care of myself, mentally, with positive self-talk about what I did well, though, because I really do feel that so many parents just bombard themselves with all kinds of “personal failure” speeches, which are never very productive at best, and incredibly emotionally damaging at its worst.
So, take care. Try this new idea, if you want. Or, just recognize what you already do that really works for your own family. And, even if you don’t have anyone else to follow you around and say “I see you” throughout the day, recognize that you are doing the best that you can in the situation that you are in. And, your kids are, too. Don’t compare. Notice yourselves. Acknowledge what you do well. Reward your efforts to do better. Breathe, and smile. :o)
WHY?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in raising my boys, it’s that I really don’t think this question will never be satisfied! And yet, I still catch myself asking . . . why? “Seriously, why did you need to dump the entire tube of toothpaste into the sink? Why did you decide to wipe your ‘self’ with the carpet, instead of just telling me you needed toilet paper? Why are you drinking the juice from the pickle jar instead of just asking me for a snack? WHY?!”
Ugh! This is something that even though I don’t ask it out loud anymore (because I’ve learned that my kids really are never going to have a good answer for me even if I do ask them ). . . I still wonder all the time. Sometimes, I’m good enough to remember that they are kids, not mini adults, and they therefore don’t have their common sense fully developed in their brains yet, so I need to just ease up. And, sometimes I’m better and remember that I do things that are illogical and impulsive at times still, too- and I DO have my common sense developed. Usually, however, I find myself grumbling and mumbling under my breath to myself about how irritating this or that “illogical” behavior is. What’s more frustrating, I think, is realizing over and over again that no amount of yelling or venting or up-scaled adult temper tantrum from me is going to change anything about what annoying thing they are doing. They are going to do what they do until they don’t. And, that’s just how it is.
Sure, I could probably “helicopter parent”, and hover over my boys constantly day in and day out to make SURE they don’t do anything wrong . . . for a few days, at least. Having tried this avenue a few times before, I’m confident it would lead to the same definition of insanity for me as I try to do the same thing again, expecting a different result this time. The only result my increased hovering ever leads to, is MORE frustration over not understanding and not being able to change any of their illogical behavior.
Of course, that’s not the END of this post. Might I submit that facing the very real, unsettling questions and feelings about parenting, and accepting the fact that we don’t have it all figured out, and neither are we perfect in our ways of dealing with frustrations – is actually the first step in a really good direction! I STILL have not figured out why my kids do the things that they do sometimes. Unfortunately, I can’t offer any solution that will take away frustrations and/or irritating behaviors for good. Nope. I actually believe that anybody who says they know exactly how to FIX a kid’s negative behaviors is either abusive or not experienced. This is what happens when you scare a kid into behaving the way that you want. They either rebel and become 10x worse, or they behave exactly the way that you want- until you aren’t looking, that is. Either way, the kid isn’t thinking for them self, isn’t making any real mistakes, and therefore isn’t making any decisions about who and what and how they really want to be (when nobody else is looking).
Now, here’s a solution that I’ve learned: BE the video game for your kids. Ok, so I don’t want you to literally become like a video game. I’m not suggesting that you start shooting pretend lasers at your kids and steal gold coins to get extra life! No. What I’m saying is, be for your kids what they seek when they play their video games.
Think about it. When your kid plays a video game, they are figuring out how to win at something. They know that they want to win, but they don’t know exactly how to win, just yet. So, they start trying all new things. New moves, new directions, new ideas; they know that with just one bad turn or wrong move, they could have to start over from the very beginning. So, why do they keep trying, time after time, and just re-start after each bad turn or wrong move? Why are they able to sit there and “melt their brains” on some “dumb game”, just so they can finally “win”? And, even if they don’t win, why do they keep playing? It’s because that game is giving them what they want from us- the people in charge of directing their lives.
I wonder how many kids wish their parents came with a “re-start” button every time they made a mistake trying to figure out how to grow up? How many times do WE wish everyone else came with a “re-start” button when we make a mistake? It’d be pretty awesome if we had that option with our boss or our best-friend, or our mom, wouldn’t it? Most of the time, right after we’ve made a bad turn or a wrong move, we can see very clearly EXACTLY why that wasn’t the right thing to do- even though right before our bad move, we didn’t really see why it was a wrong thing to do. There’s a reason why teenagers rebel and eventually move out on their own. Despite how much our parents love us, and will always be smarter than us, we get tired of hearing all about our mistakes. We just want to be able to figure out what went wrong and start over, try again, keep pounding away “mindlessly”, in hopes that eventually we’ll figure it out- and finally “win” in this game called life.
So, my idea- Spare the lecture. Spare yourself the agony of “why?” You know better than to do what they just did, thank goodness. You can see clearly why toothpaste in the sink is a bad idea. Perhaps the kid knows better now, too. Whatever the reason they’ve done what they’ve done, here’s their chance to learn from it and start over. Hand them the rag, show them how to clean it up, (fix it to your own liking after they’re out of the room), and just “Start-over”, and over, and over, and over.
The “Why’s” will figure themselves out in our kids minds over time. We may NEVER know why they did some of the things they did. We may always struggle to understand their reasoning behind things without being irritated at all the wrong turns and bad moves that we have to witness as they figure it all out. It’s probably not even going to someday suddenly all make sense. But, we CAN, become emotionally durable and resilient, and loving in our relationships with each other through the process. This is a powerful mindset, this whole learning to just “Re-start” when a mistake is made. It can heal all our relationships, even our relationship with ourselves. So, I’m reminding myself today, as I try to do this thing called parenting, that even though yesterday had its moments that left me wondering WHY I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes, I’m giving myself a “Re-start” today. I know I can do better. I know what I want to try next. I’m just going to do it. (Wish me luck) ;o)
Ugh! This is something that even though I don’t ask it out loud anymore (because I’ve learned that my kids really are never going to have a good answer for me even if I do ask them ). . . I still wonder all the time. Sometimes, I’m good enough to remember that they are kids, not mini adults, and they therefore don’t have their common sense fully developed in their brains yet, so I need to just ease up. And, sometimes I’m better and remember that I do things that are illogical and impulsive at times still, too- and I DO have my common sense developed. Usually, however, I find myself grumbling and mumbling under my breath to myself about how irritating this or that “illogical” behavior is. What’s more frustrating, I think, is realizing over and over again that no amount of yelling or venting or up-scaled adult temper tantrum from me is going to change anything about what annoying thing they are doing. They are going to do what they do until they don’t. And, that’s just how it is.
Sure, I could probably “helicopter parent”, and hover over my boys constantly day in and day out to make SURE they don’t do anything wrong . . . for a few days, at least. Having tried this avenue a few times before, I’m confident it would lead to the same definition of insanity for me as I try to do the same thing again, expecting a different result this time. The only result my increased hovering ever leads to, is MORE frustration over not understanding and not being able to change any of their illogical behavior.
Of course, that’s not the END of this post. Might I submit that facing the very real, unsettling questions and feelings about parenting, and accepting the fact that we don’t have it all figured out, and neither are we perfect in our ways of dealing with frustrations – is actually the first step in a really good direction! I STILL have not figured out why my kids do the things that they do sometimes. Unfortunately, I can’t offer any solution that will take away frustrations and/or irritating behaviors for good. Nope. I actually believe that anybody who says they know exactly how to FIX a kid’s negative behaviors is either abusive or not experienced. This is what happens when you scare a kid into behaving the way that you want. They either rebel and become 10x worse, or they behave exactly the way that you want- until you aren’t looking, that is. Either way, the kid isn’t thinking for them self, isn’t making any real mistakes, and therefore isn’t making any decisions about who and what and how they really want to be (when nobody else is looking).
Now, here’s a solution that I’ve learned: BE the video game for your kids. Ok, so I don’t want you to literally become like a video game. I’m not suggesting that you start shooting pretend lasers at your kids and steal gold coins to get extra life! No. What I’m saying is, be for your kids what they seek when they play their video games.
Think about it. When your kid plays a video game, they are figuring out how to win at something. They know that they want to win, but they don’t know exactly how to win, just yet. So, they start trying all new things. New moves, new directions, new ideas; they know that with just one bad turn or wrong move, they could have to start over from the very beginning. So, why do they keep trying, time after time, and just re-start after each bad turn or wrong move? Why are they able to sit there and “melt their brains” on some “dumb game”, just so they can finally “win”? And, even if they don’t win, why do they keep playing? It’s because that game is giving them what they want from us- the people in charge of directing their lives.
I wonder how many kids wish their parents came with a “re-start” button every time they made a mistake trying to figure out how to grow up? How many times do WE wish everyone else came with a “re-start” button when we make a mistake? It’d be pretty awesome if we had that option with our boss or our best-friend, or our mom, wouldn’t it? Most of the time, right after we’ve made a bad turn or a wrong move, we can see very clearly EXACTLY why that wasn’t the right thing to do- even though right before our bad move, we didn’t really see why it was a wrong thing to do. There’s a reason why teenagers rebel and eventually move out on their own. Despite how much our parents love us, and will always be smarter than us, we get tired of hearing all about our mistakes. We just want to be able to figure out what went wrong and start over, try again, keep pounding away “mindlessly”, in hopes that eventually we’ll figure it out- and finally “win” in this game called life.
So, my idea- Spare the lecture. Spare yourself the agony of “why?” You know better than to do what they just did, thank goodness. You can see clearly why toothpaste in the sink is a bad idea. Perhaps the kid knows better now, too. Whatever the reason they’ve done what they’ve done, here’s their chance to learn from it and start over. Hand them the rag, show them how to clean it up, (fix it to your own liking after they’re out of the room), and just “Start-over”, and over, and over, and over.
The “Why’s” will figure themselves out in our kids minds over time. We may NEVER know why they did some of the things they did. We may always struggle to understand their reasoning behind things without being irritated at all the wrong turns and bad moves that we have to witness as they figure it all out. It’s probably not even going to someday suddenly all make sense. But, we CAN, become emotionally durable and resilient, and loving in our relationships with each other through the process. This is a powerful mindset, this whole learning to just “Re-start” when a mistake is made. It can heal all our relationships, even our relationship with ourselves. So, I’m reminding myself today, as I try to do this thing called parenting, that even though yesterday had its moments that left me wondering WHY I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes, I’m giving myself a “Re-start” today. I know I can do better. I know what I want to try next. I’m just going to do it. (Wish me luck) ;o)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Happy Mother's Day to me
MOTHER’S DAY POEM-
Mommy, I love you!
Here’s cardboard, noodles & glue,
On a picture of me,
I made it just for you!
Mom, I really luv ya;
Hug and Kisses, too,
Here’s Runny eggs, toast and jam,
In your bed, from me, to you!
Mom, you know I like you,
You’re even sorta cool,
I did my homework, cleaned my room,
Now, going out, if it’s ok with you?
Mom, I haven’t forgotten you,
I’m busy now, it’s true,
Here’s a card with printed words,
Expressing my love for you.
Mom, how much I need you!
I miss each day I spend without you,
Thank you for all you’ve given me,
All my love I give now back to you.
<3 Happy Mother’s Day <3
Mommy, I love you!
Here’s cardboard, noodles & glue,
On a picture of me,
I made it just for you!
Mom, I really luv ya;
Hug and Kisses, too,
Here’s Runny eggs, toast and jam,
In your bed, from me, to you!
Mom, you know I like you,
You’re even sorta cool,
I did my homework, cleaned my room,
Now, going out, if it’s ok with you?
Mom, I haven’t forgotten you,
I’m busy now, it’s true,
Here’s a card with printed words,
Expressing my love for you.
Mom, how much I need you!
I miss each day I spend without you,
Thank you for all you’ve given me,
All my love I give now back to you.
<3 Happy Mother’s Day <3
Favorite Things
Every night at the dinner table, my kids and I take turns saying our favorite thing about that day. Now, before you get all weird and think I'm some sort of Martha Stewart of parenting, I have to confess, we really only started this a few months ago.
This is why it's stuck as a routine for us:
**I like it because it gives me a minute at the end of each day to finally connect on a personal level with my kids.
**My boys like it because I'm so busy during the day taking care of all that monotonous living stuff, and they really want/need my attention!
**I think it's good that they have a moment to hear about my day too, because it makes me into a real person to them, and not just that necessary female life-force who delivers them with the things they want.
**And, even though we're focusing on the "favorite thing" of the day, the lines of communication and trust are being opened up so that when not-so-good things happen, we're more comfortable to talk to each other about those, too.
Just think about it for a minute. Say it was a really stressful day, and so many things were going wrong and someone asked you to tell your favorite thing about today, right now. What would you say? I've been known to have those days far too often, and my answer has been "My favorite thing about today is right now, because I'm eating dinner and life is calm for a minute." I sometimes think that most parents are so frazzled and emotionally spent by the end of the day, that dinner time turns into the most insane time to try to push any family bonding time on top of it all. How many of us just want to get through the meal, and keep the kids busy with baths, brushing teeth, or whatever, so we can send them to bed already and finally relax in a moment of silence? (I'm raising my hand . . . typing is getting harder)
Ok, so I'm going to guess most of us feel that way at least half of the week. Now, just for a minute, let's think about what our kids do every day. Who do they talk to? Who teaches them everything about life? Who do they spend time with? Where are they? If your kids are school aged, like mine, they now spend 80% of their awake life away from you. If you work, or are a single parent, you can go ahead and increase that percent to 90-95%. If the only time during the day that we have with our kids is spent during the most stressful times, what are they learning about us? Are we safe to talk to? Are we happy to have them around? Do we want to be a part of their life?
Well, that's the sort of guilt trip I'm trying to avoid, so let's just say that these thoughts are what prompted me as a single mother to spend my precious end of the day hours engaged with my kids. I am not perfect at it. Sometimes, I snap and send everyone to bed at 7:00, only to realize how dumb that is, and I have to tell them to get back up again for another hour. I'm just admitting that I CHERISH my "Me-time", and there are a lot of things I'm still trying to get done at the end of the day that seem more important than a sit-down-meal and (gasp!) maybe even a family game afterwards.
But, I have to say that ever since we've started to really try to put the t.v. off and the computer away (that's my crutch) and just spend some time together each night, it has made a big difference in the mood of our home. I've noticed some strange phenomena around here. Once, my kids saw all their friends playing outside and they decided to stay in and play a board game together. (WHAT?!)
Ok, so that was only a one-time thing, but I'm still shocked it even happened! Oh, and I guess I should mention, my boys are 9, 7 1/2, and 6, so they are at the perfect age to . . . want to dog pile each other and fight over who's in charge of who, all day long. Yep, it's a rowdy house, to say the least, and I'm a very girly-girl at heart, so I continue to stubbornly expect them to learn to be gentlemen someday.
But, I'm off topic. All I'm saying is that we do this and it's good. And, ok,a man probably could have made this same point in 2 sentences, but I'm not a man. I'm a woman. And, I'm the mother of three boys. And, I love them.
(Oh, and my favorite thing about today was getting to cuddle on the couch with my two younger boys, while my oldest made pancakes for everyone for dinner, because I had a migrain.) :)
This is why it's stuck as a routine for us:
**I like it because it gives me a minute at the end of each day to finally connect on a personal level with my kids.
**My boys like it because I'm so busy during the day taking care of all that monotonous living stuff, and they really want/need my attention!
**I think it's good that they have a moment to hear about my day too, because it makes me into a real person to them, and not just that necessary female life-force who delivers them with the things they want.
**And, even though we're focusing on the "favorite thing" of the day, the lines of communication and trust are being opened up so that when not-so-good things happen, we're more comfortable to talk to each other about those, too.
Just think about it for a minute. Say it was a really stressful day, and so many things were going wrong and someone asked you to tell your favorite thing about today, right now. What would you say? I've been known to have those days far too often, and my answer has been "My favorite thing about today is right now, because I'm eating dinner and life is calm for a minute." I sometimes think that most parents are so frazzled and emotionally spent by the end of the day, that dinner time turns into the most insane time to try to push any family bonding time on top of it all. How many of us just want to get through the meal, and keep the kids busy with baths, brushing teeth, or whatever, so we can send them to bed already and finally relax in a moment of silence? (I'm raising my hand . . . typing is getting harder)
Ok, so I'm going to guess most of us feel that way at least half of the week. Now, just for a minute, let's think about what our kids do every day. Who do they talk to? Who teaches them everything about life? Who do they spend time with? Where are they? If your kids are school aged, like mine, they now spend 80% of their awake life away from you. If you work, or are a single parent, you can go ahead and increase that percent to 90-95%. If the only time during the day that we have with our kids is spent during the most stressful times, what are they learning about us? Are we safe to talk to? Are we happy to have them around? Do we want to be a part of their life?
Well, that's the sort of guilt trip I'm trying to avoid, so let's just say that these thoughts are what prompted me as a single mother to spend my precious end of the day hours engaged with my kids. I am not perfect at it. Sometimes, I snap and send everyone to bed at 7:00, only to realize how dumb that is, and I have to tell them to get back up again for another hour. I'm just admitting that I CHERISH my "Me-time", and there are a lot of things I'm still trying to get done at the end of the day that seem more important than a sit-down-meal and (gasp!) maybe even a family game afterwards.
But, I have to say that ever since we've started to really try to put the t.v. off and the computer away (that's my crutch) and just spend some time together each night, it has made a big difference in the mood of our home. I've noticed some strange phenomena around here. Once, my kids saw all their friends playing outside and they decided to stay in and play a board game together. (WHAT?!)
Ok, so that was only a one-time thing, but I'm still shocked it even happened! Oh, and I guess I should mention, my boys are 9, 7 1/2, and 6, so they are at the perfect age to . . . want to dog pile each other and fight over who's in charge of who, all day long. Yep, it's a rowdy house, to say the least, and I'm a very girly-girl at heart, so I continue to stubbornly expect them to learn to be gentlemen someday.
But, I'm off topic. All I'm saying is that we do this and it's good. And, ok,a man probably could have made this same point in 2 sentences, but I'm not a man. I'm a woman. And, I'm the mother of three boys. And, I love them.
(Oh, and my favorite thing about today was getting to cuddle on the couch with my two younger boys, while my oldest made pancakes for everyone for dinner, because I had a migrain.) :)
Wait. . . Where are we now?!
Ok, so as I reminisce on the most memorable moments of parenting for me, so far, I have a LOT of fun and funny things that I want to share here! I thought that before I do that, however, I want to give a little perspective on my parenting view point.
I called this blog “Open Book Parenting” for a reason. My attitude is, the more bluntly honest I can be, the greater the potential for impact on others. At the same time, most parents already know, there isn’t just ONE way to raise a child successfully. Every kids seems to come with their own unique hard-wiring and no matter how blue in the face you want to get about fighting who they are at their core, until you figure out how your kid works and what makes them ‘tic’, the job of raising that kid is going to be 100x harder (just trust me on this one). And, as life seems to love to do to us, as soon as we figure that kid out, they hit another developmental stage and completely change again. And even sometimes, and even harder to handle, once we figure something out, we can’t get anyone else to recognize, accept, or support the new technique or strategy that we’ve just figured out!
Now, I’m hardly an expert on how all of your kid’s work; all I know about are mine, so that’s what I’m going to share. Two of my kids have been diagnosed in their childhood with some difficult to swallow, life altering things and despite my years learning about Early Childhood Development and Education, I am constantly having to re-adjust the way I parent all my kids. Sometimes, it’s hard not to relate my parenting with Multiple Personality Disorder, because of how different my kids are and how different I have to be to help them each. And, then add to that mess my own natural tendencies to do things the way I was raised or would want for ME. (Sigh, yes I said it)
It’s strange how without even knowing it, we have our dreams and desires for what we want our children to become, and then things happen along the way to awaken us to those subconscious expectations we’ve been carrying all along for our children. Learning to let go of our “would have been” and “could have been” ‘s for our kids, whether because of gradual understanding that they are unique individuals or because of a sudden diagnosis, or life changing event(s) can be very heartbreaking. Eventually, however, we all have to face the realization that nothing is going to go exactly (or sometimes, even close) to the way we’ve planned. One of my favorite stories, written by a woman named Emily Pearl Kingsley, illustrates this feeling so perfectly. I would like to share that with you, now:
WELCOME TO HOLLAND, by: Emily Pearl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this. . . .
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plan lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!” you say, “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
“But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.”
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But, everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
I called this blog “Open Book Parenting” for a reason. My attitude is, the more bluntly honest I can be, the greater the potential for impact on others. At the same time, most parents already know, there isn’t just ONE way to raise a child successfully. Every kids seems to come with their own unique hard-wiring and no matter how blue in the face you want to get about fighting who they are at their core, until you figure out how your kid works and what makes them ‘tic’, the job of raising that kid is going to be 100x harder (just trust me on this one). And, as life seems to love to do to us, as soon as we figure that kid out, they hit another developmental stage and completely change again. And even sometimes, and even harder to handle, once we figure something out, we can’t get anyone else to recognize, accept, or support the new technique or strategy that we’ve just figured out!
Now, I’m hardly an expert on how all of your kid’s work; all I know about are mine, so that’s what I’m going to share. Two of my kids have been diagnosed in their childhood with some difficult to swallow, life altering things and despite my years learning about Early Childhood Development and Education, I am constantly having to re-adjust the way I parent all my kids. Sometimes, it’s hard not to relate my parenting with Multiple Personality Disorder, because of how different my kids are and how different I have to be to help them each. And, then add to that mess my own natural tendencies to do things the way I was raised or would want for ME. (Sigh, yes I said it)
It’s strange how without even knowing it, we have our dreams and desires for what we want our children to become, and then things happen along the way to awaken us to those subconscious expectations we’ve been carrying all along for our children. Learning to let go of our “would have been” and “could have been” ‘s for our kids, whether because of gradual understanding that they are unique individuals or because of a sudden diagnosis, or life changing event(s) can be very heartbreaking. Eventually, however, we all have to face the realization that nothing is going to go exactly (or sometimes, even close) to the way we’ve planned. One of my favorite stories, written by a woman named Emily Pearl Kingsley, illustrates this feeling so perfectly. I would like to share that with you, now:
WELCOME TO HOLLAND, by: Emily Pearl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability- to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this. . . .
When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plan lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!” you say, “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
“But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.”
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But, everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
It's a BOY! :o)
There it was on the screen, and later printed out, to be kept in a baby scrapbook . . . the one part that made my baby inside of me, a boy. I was happy, but also shocked and mortified at the same time. I have no idea how to describe how real it all suddenly felt when I realized I was going to be a mom to a son. A son!
I don't know why, but I always thought of babies and children as predominantly female. Oh wait, I know why. It's because I was thinking about life from MY perspective. Up until this point, my life had basically revolved around ME and served ME. From then on, I would view the world from a completely new set of lenses- with my life revolved and wrapped around the raising of my child.
3 littly boys, 9 1/2 years, and a divorce later, I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in the twilight zone, but being a mom really is the best job in the world. I've enjoyed looking back on the insanity of trying to nurse, the craziness of toilet training, the "somebody just shoot me in the eyeball" moments of grocery shopping mid-day with kids in tow. For the present, I still stumble along, wondering if I'm doing anything right at all, but pressing forward anyway, because even though I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, all I know is I'm not moving backwards!
So, here's a blog. A chance to vent, to purge, to question, to entertain, to brag a little, and to connect, because I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like life as a parent is sometimes just a little crazier than I think I can deal with. And then, suddenly, the mood changes, or the kids fall asleep for the night, and something within me softens and tugs at the heartstrings and I can't think of anything else I'd want to do more than to have another day with these kids.
Oh, and sorry for the mom's and dad's of little girls, I don't have much experience with bows and tutu's and glitter wands lately, but I hope you stick around and read anyway, because who knows, you might be able to relate- and I hope you do. <3
I don't know why, but I always thought of babies and children as predominantly female. Oh wait, I know why. It's because I was thinking about life from MY perspective. Up until this point, my life had basically revolved around ME and served ME. From then on, I would view the world from a completely new set of lenses- with my life revolved and wrapped around the raising of my child.
3 littly boys, 9 1/2 years, and a divorce later, I sometimes feel like I'm trapped in the twilight zone, but being a mom really is the best job in the world. I've enjoyed looking back on the insanity of trying to nurse, the craziness of toilet training, the "somebody just shoot me in the eyeball" moments of grocery shopping mid-day with kids in tow. For the present, I still stumble along, wondering if I'm doing anything right at all, but pressing forward anyway, because even though I don't know what I'm going to do in the future, all I know is I'm not moving backwards!
So, here's a blog. A chance to vent, to purge, to question, to entertain, to brag a little, and to connect, because I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like life as a parent is sometimes just a little crazier than I think I can deal with. And then, suddenly, the mood changes, or the kids fall asleep for the night, and something within me softens and tugs at the heartstrings and I can't think of anything else I'd want to do more than to have another day with these kids.
Oh, and sorry for the mom's and dad's of little girls, I don't have much experience with bows and tutu's and glitter wands lately, but I hope you stick around and read anyway, because who knows, you might be able to relate- and I hope you do. <3
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