I sincerely believe that most parents do what they know how to, trying hard to do their best within that knowledge. Patterns learned from their family line biased by different experience and circumstances certainly have a great influence, but each of us has a unique personality that shines far brighter than anything else onto our own parental styles. We all want to do well. And, yet, we “fail” in our own ways, over and over again. We fail because we lose our temper, or because we don’t have the connection we want with our kids, or because we can’t provide what we want to for them.
It is one of the biggest heart breaks that parents feel. Sometimes, we truly have to morn the great loss in realizing that our expectations will never be met the way we'd hoped in our relationship with our children, and that is indescribably hard. Our hearts are broken over and over each time we see our children suffer, but even more so when we feel they are suffering because of our own inadequacies or mistakes.
Nobody tells you about this heart break before you have a child. It’s all cute clothing and warm hearted stories about how wonderful being a parent is.
And, it IS wonderful! With how much pain we can so easily feel, it can just as quickly be matched and even forgotten by some of the happiest feelings of pride and joy and connection that come to us as blessings in the process of raising God’s children. I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it feels to hear your child call you “Mama” for the first time, or offer hugs and kisses ‘just because’, or make friends successfully, or discover and develop their talents.
But, it is not my belief that a child’s amount of successes is the defining factor in what makes their parent’s good, or not. No, I cannot believe that. I cannot look at a happy family and think to myself, “Wow, they’re doing so well together, I bet it takes no effort at all.” For me to do that, I would have to be living in a fantasy world. (And, I’ll admit, I sometimes venture to that fantasy world, when I am in the middle of my own moments of WWIII in my home.) But, honestly, let’s just get real for a minute and admit the truth.
Good parents raise some of the most amazing children, who go on to do some truly inspiring and helpful things in our society. And good parents raise really amazing children, who go on to do something miraculous like finding a good partner and raising their own children in honor of their parents. And good parents raise children who struggle and fall down and make mistakes that they know they shouldn’t and sometimes suffer great consequences for those choices. And good parents raise children who might never appreciate any of the good they did for them until it’s too late. Good parents aren’t good because of the rewards or societal status that they are able to achieve in the process. In fact, the irony of it all is, that good parents probably don’t even recognize themselves as being very good at all.
I say it's time to stand up and recognize the good parents around us, flaws and all! And, why not start at home? If you are a parent, recognize the real effort it takes for you to get up and face the challenges in raising your family every day. Are you perfect? NO! Are you still trying anyway? If the answer is yes, then I say you are a good parent. Stop looking at your neighbors expecting them to be perfect, too. I'm going to give you a clue- they're not. BUT, they just might be good parents, even if they do things differently. How can you tell?
A good parent loves their children no matter how many mistakes they make. A good parent keeps trying after each time they feel “failure” in their own expectations as a parent. A good parent pushes themselves to do the impossible each day (make it through in one piece), and never knows at the end of it if they have done anything really extraordinary, but they keep thinking, and worrying and trying to do better the next day, anyway. A good parent makes mistakes that are almost always visible to others, especially their children . . . and, yet, they keep trying . . . even if it seems sometimes that they spend most of their time looking up at Heaven asking “Why ME?!, Why THIS?!” A good parent eventually learns to not care what everyone else thinks about what they are doing. If they are helping their children succeed in their own unique way, that is all they need to feel satisfied.
In the end,it’s not about what everyone else can see, or if we are meeting our own expectations and standards for ourself as a parent. And, it's also not about the “someday” when all the children are grown and finally understand what we tried to do for them. No, it’s about the here and now, today. What we do after we totally lose our temper, or get shut down when we try to unsuccessfully to connect once again, or realize we can’t do what we expect of ourselves as a parent.
What do good parents do? That’s right; try again. That is what our kids see, whether they acknowledge it or not. They learn to forgive their own mistakes by watching us move on from our own. They see us keep trying to love them, in spite of our differences or our flaws and our mistakes, because we choose to. And, that’s a hard thing to do sometimes. But we do it anyway because we want to be happy and we want to feel closer, and not just “someday”, but right NOW!
So, today, I am thankful for all GOOD PARENTS. For trying over and over again, for showing me that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about never giving up. And, for actively trying (and succeeding) at making this world a better place. We know how we still need to do better, but even if today isn’t the best of best days . . . it’s still a day, and we have the blessing to be able to do what we want with it.
(And, I secretly hope your day is one filled with 'good parenting')
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